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Lets share some good jokes to make us smile
- Thread starter Langtrees VIP Darwin
- Start date
H
Haydn Ciao
Q: Why are there no banana plantations in Ireland?
A: This one's bent.... This one's bent...
A: This one's bent.... This one's bent...
Josfer72
Gold Member
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Two young boys walk into a chemist's shop and ask for a box of Tampons! The chemist asks if they know what they're for! The older boy who's 8 says "They're not for me, they're for him! He's 4! The advertisement says you can swim and ride a bike with them, and he can't do either right now!" 
H
Haydn Ciao
A young fellow who had not yet experienced the pleasures of the fairer sex decided on his 18th birthday to go to an establishment to finally lose his virginity...
Understandably he was quite nervous but he managed to choose a lady and they proceeded upstairs to a room... The lady asked him what services he would like and he confessed he was a virgin & didn't really know what to expect...
The lady replied that's ok love I will guide you along the path to pleasure we will start with a 69...
They assumed the 69 position and things were getting quite heated when the lady let rip a loud and pungent fart...
The young fellow was quite taken aback but she apologized and explained she had just had a big curry for dinner...
They proceeded and everything was going along nicely when once again she let rip with an absolute stinker...
The young fellow pushed her away and slid out from under her, leapt of the bed and headed for the door sputtering I'm outta here I'll be fucked if I'm gonna hang around for another 67 of those!
Understandably he was quite nervous but he managed to choose a lady and they proceeded upstairs to a room... The lady asked him what services he would like and he confessed he was a virgin & didn't really know what to expect...
The lady replied that's ok love I will guide you along the path to pleasure we will start with a 69...
They assumed the 69 position and things were getting quite heated when the lady let rip a loud and pungent fart...
The young fellow was quite taken aback but she apologized and explained she had just had a big curry for dinner...
They proceeded and everything was going along nicely when once again she let rip with an absolute stinker...
The young fellow pushed her away and slid out from under her, leapt of the bed and headed for the door sputtering I'm outta here I'll be fucked if I'm gonna hang around for another 67 of those!
- Points
- 4
A sailor arrives in port after a long stretch as sea. He is gasping for some fun and heads into town to find a working lady.
Unfortunately, he is not the only, nor the first sailor to arrive and by the time he hits the red light district, all of the hookers were taken.
All, that is, except one.
He approaches her and asks about her services. She tells him that she has her period, so can't have vaginal sex.
Our sailor friend was disappointed and it showed. She took pity on him and made an offer that he couldn't refuse in his current physical state.
She told him that although she couldn't have vaginal sex, they could still have some fun. She said that she had a false eye and she could remove it and allow him to have sex with her eye socket.
Now, Sailor man, beginning to experience blue balls, thought "what the hell. That sounds interesting" and went ahead with the booking.
Well, for a solid hour he screwed her eye socket; blew his load three times into her head and fell back exhausted.
"That was incredible" he said
"I am glad you enjoyed it" she replied
"I am docking again in a month's time and would like to see you again" he continued.
"Sure" she said. "I'll keep an eye out for you".
Unfortunately, he is not the only, nor the first sailor to arrive and by the time he hits the red light district, all of the hookers were taken.
All, that is, except one.
He approaches her and asks about her services. She tells him that she has her period, so can't have vaginal sex.
Our sailor friend was disappointed and it showed. She took pity on him and made an offer that he couldn't refuse in his current physical state.
She told him that although she couldn't have vaginal sex, they could still have some fun. She said that she had a false eye and she could remove it and allow him to have sex with her eye socket.
Now, Sailor man, beginning to experience blue balls, thought "what the hell. That sounds interesting" and went ahead with the booking.
Well, for a solid hour he screwed her eye socket; blew his load three times into her head and fell back exhausted.
"That was incredible" he said
"I am glad you enjoyed it" she replied
"I am docking again in a month's time and would like to see you again" he continued.
"Sure" she said. "I'll keep an eye out for you".
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an army family living on base and there young son runs up to his mother and asks mama do women soldiers come appart? she says no where did you get such an idea? the boy replies I just heard dadie tell another soldier that last night he screw the ass off one.
- Points
- 1,165
Q:Why is sex like math?
A:You add a bed,subtract the clothes ,divide the legs ,and pray there's no multiplying.
A:You add a bed,subtract the clothes ,divide the legs ,and pray there's no multiplying.
Yarharfiddlydee
Gold Member
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A guy and his wife were getting hot and heavy in bed, when suddenly he stopped to ask if he could use toys during sex.
She was so excited at him asking, she yelled "YES!"
Should've seen her face when he started rolling Hot Wheels Toy cars over her breasts. Beep beep.
She was so excited at him asking, she yelled "YES!"
Should've seen her face when he started rolling Hot Wheels Toy cars over her breasts. Beep beep.
boz
Silver Member
- Points
- 2
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".
boz
Silver Member
- Points
- 2
Christopher enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
The bank manager asks "What kind of business do you want to start?" "I have some pink powder. You sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach".
Manager replied "I am sorry but I don't think we can give you a loan".
So Christopher left the bank. A few months later he went into the bank with a huge suitcase filled with money.
The same bank manager said "Congratulations, I guess that idea for pink powder really paid off".
"Not really, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this green powder".
"Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you".
The bank manager asks "What kind of business do you want to start?" "I have some pink powder. You sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach".
Manager replied "I am sorry but I don't think we can give you a loan".
So Christopher left the bank. A few months later he went into the bank with a huge suitcase filled with money.
The same bank manager said "Congratulations, I guess that idea for pink powder really paid off".
"Not really, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this green powder".
"Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you".
Slugger1
Legend Member
- Points
- 114
A Scotsman was on his way home from a big night out and decided to take a nap leaning up against a tree.
A few hours later two young girls walked by and saw him asleep.
They looked at each other and one girl said to the other lets have a look to see what he has under his kilt.
They carefully lifted up the guys kilt to have a peek and one of the girls said "That is the cutest dick I have seen in my life".
With that she took a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it the Scotsman's willy.
The next morning the Scotsman woke up and went to take a pee against the tree.
He glanced down and saw the pretty blue ribbon tied to his old fella and said :
"I don't know where you have been Laddy but at least you won first prize"!
A few hours later two young girls walked by and saw him asleep.
They looked at each other and one girl said to the other lets have a look to see what he has under his kilt.
They carefully lifted up the guys kilt to have a peek and one of the girls said "That is the cutest dick I have seen in my life".
With that she took a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it the Scotsman's willy.
The next morning the Scotsman woke up and went to take a pee against the tree.
He glanced down and saw the pretty blue ribbon tied to his old fella and said :
"I don't know where you have been Laddy but at least you won first prize"!
Matt-in-Black
Silver Member
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- 0
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. 
T
Tania Admin
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Aisle 7 if you want to get some "wood" though.... and Aisle 8 to nail it...
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 15
Doctor Bob was stressed because he slept with a patient. He was riddled with guilt and couldn’t stop thinking about the situation.
Every once in a while he’d hear a soothing voice, within himself, reassuring him: “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with a patient, and you won’t be the last. Plus you’re single. Let it go…”
But without fail, another voice would quickly bring him back to reality telling him: “Bob, you’re a vet.
Every once in a while he’d hear a soothing voice, within himself, reassuring him: “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with a patient, and you won’t be the last. Plus you’re single. Let it go…”
But without fail, another voice would quickly bring him back to reality telling him: “Bob, you’re a vet.
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Neigh eruff wif de Vet Jokes .... The visions of that joke are well...
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 15
So you're not a kiwi then
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Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 15
You telling Rochelle Our Germanic Kiwi friend that ?There is only room for one Kiwi here sorry....
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is she part Kiwi or all what ? I feel that my nike may start tasting good..
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Davep89
Silver Member
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We all love a tight fit!
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Thats if you have a tusk to fill it....
Davep89
Silver Member
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That's a stretch!!