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When He’s Not Just Here for Sex — He’s Here Because He’s Drowning

Amanda O

Amanda O

Gold Member
Here’s a follow up I am only going to post here. It might spark some discussion from the other side of the equation. Some feed back will be appreciated. I’m all ears.






“When She Doesn’t Want Sex — But It’s Not That She Doesn’t Want Sex”

By Yoda

This is the continuation of a previous blog that seemed to strike a chord — with many women, and with a few brave men too.

That piece was about the man who comes to working women not for sex, but for sanctuary.

It stirred something.

It revealed wounds that a lot of people have been carrying quietly, for a long time.

Today, I want to look at the other side.

Not the man who feels rejected.

But the woman who no longer wants him — not because she doesn’t want sex, but because she no longer wants him in that way.

And the truth is… that hurts both of them.

A woman once said to me,

“I don’t hate sex. I just can’t bring myself to want it… with him.”

And that line has echoed in my mind ever since.

Let’s be honest.

This isn’t about mismatched libidos.

This isn’t about hormones or aging or stress.

This is something far deeper.

Something almost sacred — and painful — that no one wants to admit.

So let’s talk about it.

It’s Not That She Doesn’t Want Sex

She still remembers what it felt like to melt under someone’s touch.

She still fantasises, sometimes.

Still feels a flutter when she sees an actor she likes.

Still craves closeness.

But with him?

Her body tightens. Her mind closes.

Desire turns into duty. Passion turns into pressure.

She might go through the motions now and then — out of obligation.

But it feels like she’s betraying herself every time.

Not because he’s a bad man.

But because something broke, quietly, in the space between them.

So What Happened?

You see, it’s rarely a single event.

It’s the build-up.

It’s the hundred little things that were never seen. Never held.

The resentment that settled into her bones.

It’s:

• The times she cried and he rolled over.

• The conversations that turned into arguments.

• The compliments she stopped getting.

• The small dismissals that made her feel invisible.

And now, her body doesn’t feel safe with him.

Not unsafe in the way of danger — but unsafe in the way of being misunderstood.

Women Don’t Withhold Sex Because They’re Cruel

They do it because something inside them has gone quiet.

Because being naked with someone who doesn’t see you…

hurts more than being alone.

Because when emotional connection dies, physical touch feels like a lie.

And here’s the part that hurts to say:

Sometimes, they don’t even realise how far they’ve drifted

until the man they once ached for becomes a stranger in their bed.

To the Women Reading This:

This isn’t an attack. It’s an invitation.

If this resonates with you — if you’ve pulled away and don’t know why —

then maybe it’s time to explore what’s under the silence.

Not just for your partner.

For you.

Because you deserve intimacy that feels good — not like a performance.

You deserve to be wanted for who you really are — not just your body.

And you deserve to heal what’s been pushed down for too long.

To the Men Reading This:

This might sting.

But please, stay with me.

You’re not broken. You’re not disgusting. You’re not unlovable.

But if she’s pulling away, don’t try to fix her.

Don’t guilt her. Don’t beg. Don’t rage.

Instead — become curious.

Ask:

• When did we start feeling like roommates?

• Have I really been listening — or just reacting?

• What would it take for her to feel safe with me again?

Because the truth is…

If you can meet her where she feels, not just where you want her to be —

you might just find her heart again.

This Blog Is a Conversation Starter, Not a Judgement

I don’t pretend to have all the answers.

I’m not a therapist. I’m not a guru.

I’m just a man who’s been listening. Really listening.

And what I’ve learned is this:

When sex fades, it’s not just about sex.

It’s about the state of the soul between two people.

So tell me…

Have you ever felt this slow unraveling?

Have you lived in a home where the bed grew colder one night at a time?

What helped you heal?

Or did you leave?

Let’s talk. Let’s not shame. Let’s understand.

- Yoda
 
I might let my knuckles drag on the ground for a bit and explain my thought process.

Whether you believe in evolution of not, men and women have a built in primal instinct just like any other creature on earth.

The bare bones of sex is to reproduce though a handful of creatures developed into sex for pleasure or in the case of Bonobo Chimps, to communicate.

Either way we are hard-wired with a species survival instinct.

Okay so here is my thought process, maybe it is a primal wiring in our subconscious that still wants sex but desires to find a different sex mate of perceived stronger genes.

It is not that we don't love the person we are with but the inner primal instinct is craving a different gene pool.

Men and women or same sex couples can walk hand in hand in public, both in love, but their eye still wanders because of the primal search for stronger genes.

(A basic analogy:

Men are attracted to hips/breasts in a woman, that's primal, detecting breeding-ability.

Women may be attracted to fitness/stamina, nurturing/providing, breeding-ability because of nesting/security which is also primal.)

So are we deeply being primal creatures subconsciously?
 
Really nice piece @Yoda .. TY
I can attest that it is not only women who withdraw for many of your reasons given.
Being told " I have 2 lovely children, TY , so now I don't need sks any longer " is a fairly strong deterent..
 
I had heard this many times from friends, mainly older than 50 however some younger ones as well. They or their partner is too tired, neither ever have time or the big one , I just don't feel it at the moment. In my case it was very gradual unti l realised the last 8 years on our marriage it was once a month if l lucky. I found my libido died over that time until after the divorce wheb l eventually saw my first WL. Worst thing to happen to me. opened so many floodgates, I didn;t realise how much l enjoyed sex and still do with a passion
 
WildBrumby said:
I might let my knuckles drag on the ground for a bit and explain my thought process.

Whether you believe in evolution of not, men and women have a built in primal instinct just like any other creature on earth.

The bare bones of sex is to reproduce though a handful of creatures developed into sex for pleasure or in the case of Bonobo Chimps, to communicate.

Either way we are hard-wired with a species survival instinct.

Okay so here is my thought process, maybe it is a primal wiring in our subconscious that still wants sex but desires to find a different sex mate of perceived stronger genes.

It is not that we don't love the person we are with but the inner primal instinct is craving a different gene pool.

Men and women or same sex couples can walk hand in hand in public, both in love, but their eye still wanders because of the primal search for stronger genes.

(A basic analogy:

Men are attracted to hips/breasts in a woman, that's primal, detecting breeding-ability.

Women may be attracted to fitness/stamina, nurturing/providing, breeding-ability because of nesting/security which is also primal.)

So are we deeply being primal creatures subconsciously?
Click to expand...
That’s not a great reason
 
sludgie said:
I had heard this many times from friends, mainly older than 50 however some younger ones as well. They or their partner is too tired, neither ever have time or the big one , I just don't feel it at the moment. In my case it was very gradual unti l realised the last 8 years on our marriage it was once a month if l lucky. I found my libido died over that time until after the divorce wheb l eventually saw my first WL. Worst thing to happen to me. opened so many floodgates, I didn;t realise how much l enjoyed sex and still do with a passion
Click to expand...
Yes, we all get older. Not just for sex, but for anything that takes effort. There are so many understanding humans and wives out there that always hold onto meeting the needs of their loved ones. Sex is only one of a deep chest of things we must maintain.

But intimacy and physicality is a key for strong bond between 2 people.
 
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