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What a wanker!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Toon Hoon Flasher
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Toon Hoon Flasher

Two construction workers were working the high beams. One was on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needed a handsaw, but with all the construction noise, the other guy couldn't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decided to use hand signals. He pointed to his eye for "I," he pointed to his knee for "need," then moved his hands back and forth for "handsaw."

The guy on the first floor dropped his pants and started masturbating. The guy on the third floor ran down to the first floor and said, "What the hell are you doing? All I wanted was a handsaw!"

The guy on the first floor said, "I just wanted to tell you I was coming."
 
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father was trying to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself — television, ice cream, homework, video games — but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.

At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed.

After the poker game ended — with Johnny still out of sight — the father asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?"

"Not much," the uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
 
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Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't enough bedrooms. The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms. Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"

Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom two!" was heard. Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar through the attic!"
 
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Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!"

Her friend says, "Just ignore him."

To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"
 
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A pregnant woman walks into a bank one day to withdraw some cash, when the bank is robbed. Bullets fly everywhere, and she herself gets three in the abdomen. She is immediately rushed to hospital with fear that her soon-to-be child is dead. The doctors find out that in fact she is pregnant with triplets, not one of whom is hurt. Yet the doctors cannot find the bullets anywhere. The woman later gives birth to three healthy children — two girls a boy.

Shortly after the triplets turned 12, the first girl comes running up to her mother, saying, "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today in the toilet!" So the mother brings the child up in her lap and proceeds to tell her about the bank robbery 12 years ago. Shortly after that, the other girl comes running up saying "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today!" So again the mother pulls the child up to her lap and tells her of the incident 12 years ago.

Later the boy runs up to his mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guessed what happened today!" "Did you pass a bullet as well?" she asks. "No," he answers. "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
 
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A man goes to see the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "I need you to stop masturbating."

The man asks, "Why? It doesn't make you go blind."

The doctor replies, "I know, but it's disturbing to the other patients."
 
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A woman and her husband go to see a new movie. The woman is quite bothered by some scenes — in particular, a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she says, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."

Her husband sighs and says, "All right — I'll stop doing it."
 
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
 
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A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes.

Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?" Her father says, "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon." She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out. "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."
 
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Zack comes home from school one day and is met at the door by his grandmother, who asks what he learned in school today. He replied, "We learned about sex."

His grandmother just stands there, almost in shock. Then later that day she tells his mother about their conversation, and the kid's mom says, "Mother, sex IS a regularly studied subject in school these days."

Later that evening, grandmother walks past Zack's room, sees him vigorously masturbating, and says to him, "After you finish your homework, come down for dinner."
 
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A college professor was preparing his students for a big midterm. He said, "I've gone over all of the notes and answered everyone's questions — now for a final word. There will be no excuses accepted for not having the work done. No 'My dog ate it,' no 'I had to work,' no stories about a big party."

One wise guy yelled out, "How about sexual exhaustion?"

The professor said, "Nope — you'll just have to learn how to write with your other hand!"
 
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John was having problems pleasing his wife, so he went to see a sex doctor. The doctor tells John he'll do better in bed if he masturbates before having sex. John leaves, and on his way home he decides he'll have sex when he returns. So he finds a nice open spot on the side of the road and pulls over. He gets under the car, closes his eyes, and proceeds to "check the axel" under his car.

About 5 minutes later he feels a tug on his pants, and not wanting to see who it is, he asks, "Who is it?"

"It's the police — what do you think you're doing?"

With his eyes still closed, John replies, "I'm checking my car's axel."

The cop says, "Well, you'd better check your brakes, too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
 
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A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married."

"But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired."
 
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Two women always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the women remarked, "I never came this way before."

To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"
 
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Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"
 
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A kid is in his bedroom, near ecstasy as he masturbates ever more vigorously. In walks his father.

"You'd better stop that, son," says the dad. "Otherwise, you're liable to go blind."

The boy dutifully affirms that he will stop immediately.

A week later, the dad once again walks in on the boy as he is masturbating.

"I thought we had an agreement," dad sputters angrily.

"Well," says the kid, "I figured I'd just quit when I need glasses."
 
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This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My penis is turning orange!"

The doctor says," Well, what do you do for a living?"

The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
 
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A cowboy is out riding when he encounters an American Indian lying on the ground with his shirt open, buckskins down to his ankles, and a perfect erection pointing to the sky. The cowboy asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The man on the ground replies, "I'm finding out the time."

The cowboy says, "Huh? How does that work? I've never heard of such a thing."

The Indian says, "Oh, it's an old custom, but a white man could never get the hang of it. See, it's like a sundial. I can tell the time by how the shadow falls."

"I see," says the cowboy. "So what time is it?"

"About quarter to 11," says the Indian.

The cowboy thanks him and rides on. Some time later, he comes across another Native, again with his britches down and an erection. The cowboy asks the time.

"Almost 2:30," says the man on the ground.

"Thanks," says the cowboy, and moves on again. A couple of hours later, he comes across a third Indian, pants down with erection pointing skyward — only this guy is masturbating with great determination.

The cowboy says, "Hey, I met some of your buddies today, and they showed me how they tell the time — but what are YOU doing?"

He answers, "Winding the clock."
 
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A very repressed married couple could never bring themselves to talk about "sex," so they always referred to it as "doing the laundry."

One evening, the husband was feeling romantic, so he suggested his wife come upstairs with him, so they could "do the laundry." She declined, saying she had a headache.

Later that night, the wife slid into bed next to her husband, and told him she was willing to help him do the laundry now. He replied, "That's all right, dear. It was a small load, so I did it by hand."
 
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Q. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
 
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yes sat ..thank you again for the laugh,,and the toons,,,hope you are doing well....my mate in nz and his gf,,just had a littel girl.the 8 sep..he is over the moon,,wont be long now ..from viking
 
svengali said:
Great collection as always,Sat.;D
Click to expand...

Thanks for that Svengali, a girl always loves a bit of praise...

"95% of people masturbate...the other 5% don't have hands."
 
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viking32 said:
yes sat ..thank you again for the laugh,,and the toons,,,hope you are doing well....my mate in nz and his gf,,just had a littel girl.the 8 sep..he is over the moon,,wont be long now ..from viking
Click to expand...

Hey Viking, Ta babe! 6 days until my due date, although it can be anytime between now and 10 days late before they start talking induction...

"I just flew in from the sperm bank — and boy, are my arms tired!"
 
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Q. What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
A. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a good wank!
 
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Reasons Masturbation is better than Real Sex:

1.Your hand always lets you finish first.

2.It's free.

3.Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.

4.You call the position.

5."Premature ejaculation"? hehehe

6.No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
 
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Q: Why did the logging train stop in the woods?
A: To let the lumberjack off.
 
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Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.
 
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Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!
 
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Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears — to listen for footsteps.
 
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