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we all need cheering up- quickfire jokes & one-liners

Goodstuff36 Bon truc in french

Goodstuff36 Bon truc in french

Goodstuff. Bon truc in french
Legend Member
Points
142
Josh frydeburg was taken away from parliament in a ambulance with Covid19 for isolation although the only thing in the ambulance was a coffin so Josh had to lie in the coffin so on his way to isolation the ambulance went up the steapist Hill in Australia. The ambulance screeched to stop for a red light at the top of the hill then the coffin with Josh in it slid all the way down the hill and into the brand new 24 hour chemist a crowd gathered around and the lid slid off Josh has raised his head and said to the chemist.
Do you have anything to stop my coffin???
 
Tim

Tim

Silver Member
Points
0
Hi there,
new to this area, I think I‘ll just keep coming back for the laughs... Thankssss:)
 
glen

glen

Gold Member
Points
13
Airliner levels off, pilot to passengers "ladies and gents, we have reached our cruising altitude of 32000ft and with these light headwinds we expect to be in Sydney as scheduled, I will get back to you closer to our arrival with a local weather update, thank you."
Pilot to co pilot, (unfortunatly without having swithched off the cabin intercom), "easy trip coming up Glen, could just do with a coffee and a head job!" Passengers gasp, hostess runs from back galley towards cockpit, old mate yells out "hey love you forgot the coffee!"
 
dan60

dan60

Diamond Member
Points
1
Following a recent Safety presentation at work we have received this Situational Awareness Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed
 
T

Tania Admin

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) 🤣

I hope that made you smile :)
 
Osman

Osman

Gold Member
Points
0
Tania Admin said:
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) 🤣

I hope that made you smile :)
Click to expand...

They say an elephant never forgets, but when it all boils down, what would an elephant have to remember?
 
T

Tania Admin

But what about pigs hey?! 30 minutes! Best weight loss programme ever and they're still chubby! I'd be a stick 😂
 
CraftyBear

CraftyBear

Silver Member
Points
0
Oink oink Tania ;)

A 20 something girl marries a 90 year old and as they go to the honeymoon suite she tells him that she's booked a two bedroom apartment so there's no pressure. Five minutes later he comes into her room and they consummate their marriage. She's lying on the bed feeling quite quite content when he walks in again with an erection. She's very surprised and they go for round two. He leaves the room after and then...five minutes later, he's back again. Just as they both orgasm she pants, "Darling, I've been with men a quarter of your age and they are nowhere near as virile as you. I mean sure, some have been able to have sex twice in quick succession, but never three times." The husband looks a bit bewildered and asks "Have I already been here?"
 
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