Beverley
Gold Member
There’s a very specific kind of confidence that appears when two people are in a swimming pool after dark.
Suddenly everyone thinks they’re starring in a Hollywood movie. The water is glowing blue, someone had two cocktails too many, and before you know it, one person whispers:
“No one can see us…wanna Fuck”
Meanwhile there are literally twelve children doing cannonballs three metres away and a lifeguard named Steve watching everything with the exhausted eyes of a man who’s seen humanity at its worst.
Let’s discuss the fantasy of “secret sex in a public pool” versus the absolute logistical disaster it usually becomes.
First of All: Water Is Not Sexy
Movies lied to us.
Water does not create effortless sensual magic. Water creates friction problems, floating limbs, accidental knee injuries, and the very real possibility of swallowing half the pool while trying to look seductive and of course finding that one random Band-Aid floating through the water like a cursed jellyfish.
People imagine:
passionate kisses
graceful movements
steamy chemistry
Reality is:
someone losing balance
someone getting chlorine in their eye
one person whisper-yelling:
“WAIT MY FOOT’S STUCK IN THE FILTER.”
Every Pool Has That Couple
Every single public pool in history has hosted That Couple.
You know the ones.
The girl is hanging onto him like she’s in a music video.
The guy thinks subtlety means “thrusting slightly slower.”
Meanwhile the rest of the pool is painfully aware.
Kids know.
Parents know.
The elderly woman doing water aerobics definitely knows.
Nobody says anything because society has collectively agreed to pretend:
“Perhaps they are simply… enthusiastic swimmers.”
The Lifeguard Knows Everything
Never underestimate pool staff.
Lifeguards have supernatural awareness.
A lifeguard once described catching a couple attempting “underwater romance” behind a giant inflatable flamingo.
The flamingo was pink.
The couple were not subtle.
And according to him: “They genuinely thought the flamingo was enough cover.”
Imagine risking arrest because you trusted pool décor.
The Greatest Myth of All: “Nobody Notices”
EVERYBODY notices.
The pool notices.
The lifeguard notices.
The old lady floating peacefully nearby notices.
Even the guy eating fries by the poolside notices.
Public pools have terrible acoustics for secrets and outstanding acoustics for suspicious splashing.
And Finally
The fantasy of secret public-pool passion sounds exciting in theory.
In reality it usually ends with:
chlorine burns
embarrassment
awkward eye contact
and a lifelong ban from the community leisure centre
Honestly, if Fucking is your goal, just go home.
Your shower has privacy.
Your bed has stability.
And neither contains screaming children throwing pool noodles at your head.
Amen
Suddenly everyone thinks they’re starring in a Hollywood movie. The water is glowing blue, someone had two cocktails too many, and before you know it, one person whispers:
“No one can see us…wanna Fuck”
Meanwhile there are literally twelve children doing cannonballs three metres away and a lifeguard named Steve watching everything with the exhausted eyes of a man who’s seen humanity at its worst.
Let’s discuss the fantasy of “secret sex in a public pool” versus the absolute logistical disaster it usually becomes.
First of All: Water Is Not Sexy
Movies lied to us.
Water does not create effortless sensual magic. Water creates friction problems, floating limbs, accidental knee injuries, and the very real possibility of swallowing half the pool while trying to look seductive and of course finding that one random Band-Aid floating through the water like a cursed jellyfish.
People imagine:
passionate kisses
graceful movements
steamy chemistry
Reality is:
someone losing balance
someone getting chlorine in their eye
one person whisper-yelling:
“WAIT MY FOOT’S STUCK IN THE FILTER.”
Every Pool Has That Couple
Every single public pool in history has hosted That Couple.
You know the ones.
The girl is hanging onto him like she’s in a music video.
The guy thinks subtlety means “thrusting slightly slower.”
Meanwhile the rest of the pool is painfully aware.
Kids know.
Parents know.
The elderly woman doing water aerobics definitely knows.
Nobody says anything because society has collectively agreed to pretend:
“Perhaps they are simply… enthusiastic swimmers.”
The Lifeguard Knows Everything
Never underestimate pool staff.
Lifeguards have supernatural awareness.
A lifeguard once described catching a couple attempting “underwater romance” behind a giant inflatable flamingo.
The flamingo was pink.
The couple were not subtle.
And according to him: “They genuinely thought the flamingo was enough cover.”
Imagine risking arrest because you trusted pool décor.
The Greatest Myth of All: “Nobody Notices”
EVERYBODY notices.
The pool notices.
The lifeguard notices.
The old lady floating peacefully nearby notices.
Even the guy eating fries by the poolside notices.
Public pools have terrible acoustics for secrets and outstanding acoustics for suspicious splashing.
And Finally
The fantasy of secret public-pool passion sounds exciting in theory.
In reality it usually ends with:
chlorine burns
embarrassment
awkward eye contact
and a lifelong ban from the community leisure centre
Honestly, if Fucking is your goal, just go home.
Your shower has privacy.
Your bed has stability.
And neither contains screaming children throwing pool noodles at your head.
Amen
