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Some cartoons, bringing this back for a laugh

Forgetful Actor
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
 
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
 
Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.
 
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
 
A couple of dicks walk into a vagina. They have a few drinks and are there for a couple of hours. Eventually one dick looks at the other and says, "Hey man, I'm getting bored, Want to go next door and get shit-faced?"
 
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
 
Mickey Mouse is sitting at a bar crying his eyes out.

"Don't take it so hard" says the bartender. "So your wife is acting a little silly..So what? It's no big deal."

Mickey looks up angrily.

"I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!"
 
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."
 
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says "You are."
 
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."

:kiss:
 
Three nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Agnes and Sister Constance were off to confession. Sister Mary told the other two that she was going to have to confess a sexual transgression: that she had broken her vow of celibacy by giving a hand-job to several men in town because she wanted to experience something of what sex was like.

So Sister Mary went into the confessional and told Father Theodore her confession. After coming out of the confessional the other two nuns asked Mary what penance she was given by Father Theodore for giving out the hand-jobs.

"He told me that I had to say 12 Hail Mary's and 12 Our Fathers and to wash my hands in the holy water font in the church."

Sister Constance responded: "Well, I'm out of here."

"Why are you leaving?" Sister Mary asked.

"Because there's no way in HELL I'm going to gargle with that holy water after Sister Agnes washes her ass in it."

;)
 
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