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If I only did things in my job description, I would be reading this thread.

hehehe
 
Love It Lol

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Ha Ha! What a laugh!

Hello lovely Larna and girlfriends. Thoroughly enjoyed all your jokes. Keep them coming!

Tianna

(P.S wow Larna some of your jokes are very long... you must have a lot of time on your hands girlfriend...he he...) xx
 
Dad's occupation

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes of all his clothes in front of other men. Some times if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays football for the Fremantle Dockers but I was just too embarrassed to say"
 
yeah, I seem to remember there was a version where dad was an english cricket player too.....I guess it's like lots of other things that just change with the times.....bit like ourselves really!!
 
Old And Rich

The old gent was backing his Rolls Royce into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said, "Sorry Pops, but you have to be young and smart to do that."

The old man ignored his remark and kept reversing until the Rolls Royce had crunched the sports car into a crumbled heap.

"Sorry Son, you have to be old and rich to do that!"
 
Old Ladies And The Flasher

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady couldn't reach that far.
 
A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriend's, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered.

He was so striking and the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the man said to her:

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the man's outstretched hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and sensually said, "Clean My House."
 
Sometimes You Need to Listen To the Whole Story

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he couldn't contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story,

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
 
Two Guys In The Bar

One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!"

"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly
and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down
half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He
went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom
window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in
my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass.
Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and
reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and
both his legs."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to
pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister
breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking
the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister
poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the
abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the
downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a
big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down
on him and burns most of his skin off."

"Man, what a terrible way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor,
scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and
pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix
and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through
him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he .."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my f..king house"


Lana
 
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along quite well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick".

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home.

LAWYER: No, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?
POLE: It made of concrete.

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No, we have carport, and not need one.

LAWYER: I mean, what are your relations like?
POLE: All my relation still in Poland.

LAWYER: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
POLE: Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up.
POLE: No, I always up before her.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.


LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.


LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say,


"Polish remover".



Lana
 
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows
her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute
steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not
to laugh.
A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but
the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
 
Fremantle dockers

Actually i like that joke mel very good. :hello:

If we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at.
 
Morals

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends
encouraged me and my girlfriend, she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was vivacious twenty
years of age and drop-dead gorgeous.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't and didn't really want to overcome! She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and
get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door.

I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight
towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing just outside. With tears in
his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed
our little test. We could not ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"

Moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in the car. ;D
 
Heard this b4 somewhere in here, though I can't say I don't get a chuckle every time ;)
 
Atm

There was a man who went into the ladies washroom. As he was sitting on the ladies toilet, he saw 4 different coloured buttons.

A blue one, a green one, and a white one that were all on one side. On the other side there was a big red button.

The man thinks to himself, "I wonder what the blue button is for ?"

He pushed the button and felt a whole bunch of water rising from the toilet.

"Wow, Automatic Ass Wipers ! This is awsome," he said, "Maybe the green button is better?"

He pushed the green button and felt warm air rising from the toilet.

"Wow, Automatic Ass Dryers!" he said, "I wonder what will happen when I push the white button?"

He pushed the white button and smelt a very nice smelling purfume.

"Oohh! Automatic Purfume Sprayer! Why don't the guys have this?"

After pushing all the buttons on that side, he looked over at the big red button. On this button it had the word 'ATM' .

The man thought , "Maybe something better will happen?"

So he pushed the button.........(wakes up the next morning in hospital).

"I really don't know why you had to push that 'ATM' button," the nurse said.

"Ohhhhh.....what happened...?" asked the man. "Why am I here...?"

"You pushed the 'ATM' button," amswered the nurse.

"What did the "ATM' button mean? the man asked.

"Well, your balls and dick are in that jar, and we are removing the Automatic Tampon Remover, the 'ATM' from the washroom."
 
History Book

A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book, and asks him, "What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, "A history book."

The kid looks at what the man is reading and says, "But that is a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah but for me it's history!"
 
Infrequently

There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married.

The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed.

She asked her friend, "Well, what about sex?"

The man replied, "Infrequently."

The woman thought for a moment, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"
 
Purfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive purfume.

She turns to the old Italian woman and arrogantly says, "Giorgio-Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of expensive purfume.

She arrogantly says to the old Italian woman, "Chanel No 5, $150, an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman is about to get off the elevator.

Just before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts.

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound
 
Handbag

A man walks into a store and is looking at the handbags. He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost.

The assistant replies, "$400, for that one."

Shocked, the customer says, $400! , Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special."

The assistant says, "It's the material it's made of."

Confused, the customer asks, "What is it made of then?"

The assistant grins, and says, "Foreskin. You give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!"
 
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