1moretime
Bronze Member
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I’m sure my situation is not unique, but I could definitely use some advice.
I’m a fit, healthy, active male, aged 31, with a fairly high libido. I would enthusiastically embrace the opportunity to have sex 12-15 times a week. While single, my strike rate was significantly less than this, but I’d conservatively say that I would have reasonable success at least one weekend in three. This would often lead to a few repeat opportunities if I was lucky enough. In the meantime, I’d take care of business on my own, and would usually enjoy some high quality artistic films from the internet to help me out.
I’ve been dating a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, fiercely independent girl for almost a year and she’s recently moved into my place. Let me be clear that I love this woman and consider myself very lucky to have her in my life. I am fairly certain that the feelings are mutual and we’ve had several conversations looking far into the future together.
But (isn’t there always a but?) our libidos are miles apart. Things were great for the first 3 months, then she went on the pill and her sexual energy disappeared completely. After coming off the pill, things have recovered somewhat, but we’re still nowhere near our initial honeymoon phase.
It’s been a difficult issue to get her to talk about, but I’ve persisted and over the last 3 months, finally managed to communicate that I’m finding this very difficult. Ideally, I’d like to have sex with a willing and enthusiastic partner who finds me attractive and desirable. In a perfect world we’d initiate intimacy at an equal level. But this is clearly not the case. While she’s said that she’d like to have sex 3-4 times a week, the reality is more like once or twice.
As it stands, I’m frequently feeling rejected, the lack of intimacy has made me quite insecure about every aspect of my appearance (odour, breath, muscle tone, body hair) and it’s made me somewhat reluctant to approach her for fear of being knocked back yet again. At no stage has she initiated things or offered any sort of compromise. If she’s not interested and I am, then that’s not her problem. She has said that she does feel bad that I’m not feeling satisfied but thinks it’s unfair for her to be made to feel guilty for ‘not performing’ frequently enough.
When I was single, rejection never really got to me as I never took it personally and there was always the option of trying my luck with someone else. But in a monogamous exclusive relationship, the rejection is definitely personal and there are no other options. I genuinely miss the feeling of being desired and attractive to my partner.
I’ve been filling in the gap, the same way I used to when single - by myself, with some stimulation form the internet. But having recently moved in together, it’s been a bit more difficult to find ‘alone time’ and she recently walked into the study just after I’d finished and still had a video on the computer screen. I’m now being made to feel guilty about a disgusting act, and lectured about how the videos are tacky and degrading to both the actors and viewers. And that she now feels less attractive due to the thought that she must be being compared to the actresses in some way.
I figure I’ve got the following options that I can deliver on my own:
1) try to lower my libido to her level and find a way to be satisfied with whatever I can get
2) continue to take care of my own business with videos, and deal with her judgement and the associated guilt
3) as above, but cut out any use of video assistance or be scrupulously discreet
4) cheat on her with a random girl or a professional
5) identify this as a deal breaker for a happy relationship and leave
None of these really appeal to me, so I need to figure out a way to get her to come to the table and help with some sort of compromise. Because as much as I love her, I can already see that this is something that will ultimately erode my self-confidence and make me resent her if we don’t address it.
I’ve tried several different approaches so far
– talking. Lots of talking. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything that can be handled with more words
– being ever vigilant and attentive to try and understand what pushes her buttons
– taken on a greater share of household work to try and make her feel less stressed
– become the non-sexual massage king, with lots of agenda-less cuddles
– lots of compliments telling her how sexy she is and how I feel about her
– bought copious amounts of tasteful attire that might help her feel sexy
– other gifts and holidays away
Any other suggestions?
I’m a fit, healthy, active male, aged 31, with a fairly high libido. I would enthusiastically embrace the opportunity to have sex 12-15 times a week. While single, my strike rate was significantly less than this, but I’d conservatively say that I would have reasonable success at least one weekend in three. This would often lead to a few repeat opportunities if I was lucky enough. In the meantime, I’d take care of business on my own, and would usually enjoy some high quality artistic films from the internet to help me out.
I’ve been dating a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, fiercely independent girl for almost a year and she’s recently moved into my place. Let me be clear that I love this woman and consider myself very lucky to have her in my life. I am fairly certain that the feelings are mutual and we’ve had several conversations looking far into the future together.
But (isn’t there always a but?) our libidos are miles apart. Things were great for the first 3 months, then she went on the pill and her sexual energy disappeared completely. After coming off the pill, things have recovered somewhat, but we’re still nowhere near our initial honeymoon phase.
It’s been a difficult issue to get her to talk about, but I’ve persisted and over the last 3 months, finally managed to communicate that I’m finding this very difficult. Ideally, I’d like to have sex with a willing and enthusiastic partner who finds me attractive and desirable. In a perfect world we’d initiate intimacy at an equal level. But this is clearly not the case. While she’s said that she’d like to have sex 3-4 times a week, the reality is more like once or twice.
As it stands, I’m frequently feeling rejected, the lack of intimacy has made me quite insecure about every aspect of my appearance (odour, breath, muscle tone, body hair) and it’s made me somewhat reluctant to approach her for fear of being knocked back yet again. At no stage has she initiated things or offered any sort of compromise. If she’s not interested and I am, then that’s not her problem. She has said that she does feel bad that I’m not feeling satisfied but thinks it’s unfair for her to be made to feel guilty for ‘not performing’ frequently enough.
When I was single, rejection never really got to me as I never took it personally and there was always the option of trying my luck with someone else. But in a monogamous exclusive relationship, the rejection is definitely personal and there are no other options. I genuinely miss the feeling of being desired and attractive to my partner.
I’ve been filling in the gap, the same way I used to when single - by myself, with some stimulation form the internet. But having recently moved in together, it’s been a bit more difficult to find ‘alone time’ and she recently walked into the study just after I’d finished and still had a video on the computer screen. I’m now being made to feel guilty about a disgusting act, and lectured about how the videos are tacky and degrading to both the actors and viewers. And that she now feels less attractive due to the thought that she must be being compared to the actresses in some way.
I figure I’ve got the following options that I can deliver on my own:
1) try to lower my libido to her level and find a way to be satisfied with whatever I can get
2) continue to take care of my own business with videos, and deal with her judgement and the associated guilt
3) as above, but cut out any use of video assistance or be scrupulously discreet
4) cheat on her with a random girl or a professional
5) identify this as a deal breaker for a happy relationship and leave
None of these really appeal to me, so I need to figure out a way to get her to come to the table and help with some sort of compromise. Because as much as I love her, I can already see that this is something that will ultimately erode my self-confidence and make me resent her if we don’t address it.
I’ve tried several different approaches so far
– talking. Lots of talking. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything that can be handled with more words
– being ever vigilant and attentive to try and understand what pushes her buttons
– taken on a greater share of household work to try and make her feel less stressed
– become the non-sexual massage king, with lots of agenda-less cuddles
– lots of compliments telling her how sexy she is and how I feel about her
– bought copious amounts of tasteful attire that might help her feel sexy
– other gifts and holidays away
Any other suggestions?
