Little Help -- Opinions wanted...

[stonebudda]

I have a problem that is doing my head in...

i met this women who is travelling and working -- we worked together for 3 months -- we hit it off really well -- she was staying at a house that she didnt feel safe in and she ended up inviting me over for dinner and asking to stay the night on a regular basis (me staying in the spare room) -- now she is very beautful, smart funny really she out of my league -- shes always dated big football players etc.. which i am not.. nothing ever happened -- but sometimes i got the impression of some flirting (i'm not that great at picking up these things so i might be off base) when she left she was heading to a city i had uni friends so she said i should come visit -- we ended up going on a small trip to the wine country -- nothing happened but again some what i would consider flirty behaviour -- dressing up sexily for dinners etc, sitting having a chat in her towel after a shower and some other things.. Now am i over interpreting this and are we just good friends... i dont know if i should say something shes a great friend and i can be open and chat about things with her and i dont what to loose that..

SB

 

[Elise Emerald Kitten]

WPG6OeT1zrpiHdkgMb9xEz4zbrfchI

 

[Fudd]

...have been in the same position before, Stonebudda, and on 2 of those occasions I thought I'd follow my heart. Well, on both of those occasions, I crashed & burned. It turned out that, in my case, the women with whom I had this good frienship with only wanted a male friend, nothing more. Consequently, with those 2 ladies our friendship was never the same again and we eventually drifted apart.

From reading your post, its seems to me that she just values your friendship as from the examples in your post, she enjoys your company & companionship.

I empathize with your situation as I have learned the hard way. Nowadays, I make no move whatsoever unless it's absolutely clear that she may be interested in me. Of course this approach may me that I'll miss out but if I have a "good thing" with a lady, I'm not going to jeopardise it if I only have an "inkling" that she may be interested. Remember, trying to work out what a woman thinks is harder than cracking the DNA strain.

Fudd

 

[Lantana]

it sounds as tho you really just want to tell her how you feel and get it out there. Maybe you don't feel worthy enough, but you are...as she likes to be around you.

I will say, if i went out with a guy the way you've described..having a good friendship, chatting in a towel and nothing had happened, i'd probably see him as a friend and a nice guy. does she talk to you about other men?

you never know, something may come of it..but maybe first talk to her about other women in your life and sense her reaction. maybe let things happen naturally, rather than coming out and saying it, as it could get awkward otherwise.

 

[stonebudda]

i am worried that i am over reading things -- never been that good at reading flirting etc and am shy in social situations....

lantana -- yes she has talked to me about ex-boyfriends thats how i know her 'type' -- one is a professional sports player that we saw one night on tv.. -- all muscley 6foot + -- and im not that - -
i think its more the unknown that is doing my head in.. but i dont want to make a fool out of myself..

 

[Cathy/Diane87]

To Stonebudda,

I think you should go with Latana's advice i think she is right.

 

[smoothdude19]

Mate!
This has happen to me a few times,just ask the question! maybe by SMS then try to move on,it will be hard..
You dont want to die wondering
It has to be done or it will do ur head in.
Good luck!

 

[WRXXR]

This has happened to me twice now. I was the one who only wanted the friendship with a couple of female friends but they grew feelings (surely couldn't have been lust!!)

The first one hinted at me and then (i believe) tested me to see if i would get jealous when she dated new guys. Cant ever be said i'm the jealous. Still see her every so often but it went pair shaped when i found a lady friend.

2nd didnt quiet go the same way and we just drifted apart.

I would leave it where it is and just drop very sly hints. Women DO pick up on these things and if they want something to happen, it will.

NEVER believe someone is out of your league. Women love a bit of flirty, cocky confidence. Its a fine line between pulling that off and being a being a disrespectful douche mine you. Why do you think so many hotties are single. Because men are scared to say hello.

 

[hurst]

just go ahead if you have nothing to lose

 

[AnthonyJ]

This has happen to me a couple of times(both with flatemates)the first we were friends and would hang out all the time and bang it hit me started to have feelings for her and we didnt even do anything sexual,so i kicked her out!(i hope she doesnt read this)the sec was she fell in love with me and moved out! i got my own back sort of..
The first one i was at the BDO off my head and told her the next day(was comming down)told me NEVER to speak to her again! that hurt,lol,soooooo i left the country,soo sad but true! i did need the holiday..
Just do it! i had all the signals but got it wrong!
YOU need to find out!
ps Clare bear if ur out there call me!
pps her real name,she will kill me,lol
Tony.:happy4:

 

[Lantana]

i really liked a guy once but was too afraid to show it, for fear of rejection and being hurt. all that ended up doing was making me emotionally exhausted and then it ended anyway. all so i could say to myself, well at least he didn't reject me for me..

but you can see how that is just a waste of time. life really is short and i have more regrets not being true to my feelings and putting myself out there than i did keeping it to myself.

i agree that you need to tell her how you feel...but at the same time, be smart about it where you find the right time and let things happen naturally, without putting her on the spot. sometimes just letting someone you know how much you care and then giving them some space, can really help a lot too.

i hope you get the girl but first know that you are worth it, because what we think, is who we are.

 

[naughtyjoker]

You can try drifting your talks in such a way that how friendly she is to behave in such a way, where someone else might find an element of sexual in it. Be cautious, the way of presentation is very very important. If she has some interest in you, she will make it more clear. On the other hand, if she care for you as a friend, your value as a friend should be higher.

Caution: May work. No guarantees!!

 

[Massuessi]

Hi Stonebudda,

I was in your position too, and I just want to lend some encouragement from my own experience.

If you really feel you connect with this girl and are wondering about her feelings towards you, and yet have taken your time to think things through before acting, it think it should be said that you've taken a respectful and sensitive approach

But I also think its good to find out what her feelings are for you, earlier, rather than than to keep this big question mark inside of you for a long time as 'Hope deffered makes the heart sick'.

Perhaps you can just plan for a time to pop a simple question. Like have typical meal in the evening, and go for a walk somewhere thats just a little romantic (ie East Perth on a not too cold night). And then on the bridge overlooking the view, just casually ask her if she sees the possibility of anything more than friendship between both of you.

Hope that helps in some way, and wish you the very best


-Massuessi

 

[Happy2]

Hey Stonebudda
A great friendship with a woman is special. So different to what you experience
with your mates. It is something worth hanging on to.
Is it worth risking ? Dont forget most ladies are so much better at expressing
their feelings than us blokes. So if you do what most of us fellas dont do
and listen to her you will probably pick up what she's feeling towards you

 

[AnthonyJ]

i really liked a guy once but was too afraid to show it, for fear of rejection and being hurt. all that ended up doing was making me emotionally exhausted and then it ended anyway. all so i could say to myself, well at least he didn't reject me for me..

but you can see how that is just a waste of time. life really is short and i have more regrets not being true to my feelings and putting myself out there than i did keeping it to myself.

i agree that you need to tell her how you feel...but at the same time, be smart about it where you find the right time and let things happen naturally, without putting her on the spot. sometimes just letting someone you know how much you care and then giving them some space, can really help a lot too.

i hope you get the girl but first know that you are worth it, because what we think, is who we are.

It was so true what you wrote," Me for me' etc...You have to put urself out there and give it a crack.. I dont think u can be friends with someone u like and that dont in return it will be very hard indeed,it just wont work in the long run....It will hurt but just do it.whats meant to be will be,things happen for a reason...
Good luck mate!
Ps im sure we would all love to no how it all goes..
Tony.

 

[Laura Myer]

This is a painful truth to learn about women.

Some women just love male company for friendship and a good listening ear. But some women who are not confident in themselves, want to know that they've 'got it'. So even with a friend, they will flirt in order to want to know that they are attractive. Men do this to women too, so everyone's guilty to a degree. It stems from a lack of confidence in our sexuality.

Then when someone shows interest, the answer is like 'oh I only like you as a friend and nothing more'. (But in gaining interest, they feel attractive to the opposite sex).

Perhaps based on some flirty signals that you are getting, you can just express how you feel. I don't think you'll lose the friendship over it as your interest is a compliment. Usually this can be overlooked and people might continue to be friends. Some find it too hard and just move on from someone they feel attraction towards.

Sorry if my answer sounds a bit out there. But I think when some of us become escorts, we know our confidence and don't need to do this to men because we are already assured that we are ok, or desirable at least.

Laura
lauramyer.com

 

[AnthonyJ]

This is a painful truth to learn about women.

Some women just love male company for friendship and a good listening ear. But some women who are not confident in themselves, want to know that they've 'got it'. So even with a friend, they will flirt in order to want to know that they are attractive. Men do this to women too, so everyone's guilty to a degree. It stems from a lack of confidence in our sexuality.

Then when someone shows interest, the answer is like 'oh I only like you as a friend and nothing more'. (But in gaining interest, they feel attractive to the opposite sex).

Perhaps based on some flirty signals that you are getting, you can just express how you feel. I don't think you'll lose the friendship over it as your interest is a compliment. Usually this can be overlooked and people might continue to be friends. Some find it too hard and just move on from someone they feel attraction towards.

Sorry if my answer sounds a bit out there. But I think when some of us become escorts, we know our confidence and don't need to do this to men because we are already assured that we are ok, or desirable at least.

Laura
lauramyer.com

Well said and very true i have been guilty to all the above and had the same thing in return...

 

[stonebudda]

been a little difficult to chat with her lately as we're in different states atm -- also dont know when i will see her again so not sure if best to push it atm..
did manage to chat to her about me not feeling im the best in social, dating situations -- and dont think i can interprete interest etc.. -- she didnt give me anything that would make me think she was interested.. -- she thinks im fine talking to new ppl and her friends that ive met think im nice.. etc.. and thinks i should join a dating site if i want to meet people - -so in my view thats not really a good sign

anyway thanks for all you're advice..

 

[svengali]

I would like to add a couple of pieces of Svengali advice here.

1) Maybe her "type" was "big muscly footballers" but they can also be tiresomely self-centred, as can really attractive women, so maybe she is over that and ready for a "real" man.

2) If she is a friend she is already worth keeping around as true friends of either sex are solid gold. Stay in touch, go out together and let the feelings (if any) grow slowly. You don't have to whomp her over the head with your club and drag her back to your cave to show she is special to you. In other words, put sex on the back burner and work on the friendship side.

3) Never assume anyone is "out of your league" You can always find plenty of people ready to put you down so you don't have to do that to yourself.

 

[stonebudda]

i think what is annoying me more then anything is not being able to figure out whether she is flirting or not -- i mean she is great but is not like im madly in love with her -- but i do wonder if we could be more then friends and if anything could /would develop.. and the fact that i seem to have this inability to read her actions/ any womens actions is the thing that is really bothering me..

 

[Massuessi]

Don't worry Budda, chin up There's an amazing girl out there looking for a guy just like you. Keep the friendship if you can, because as you already know, and as others have inferred here, these kinds of friendships a rare and valuable.


Cheers

Massuessi

 

[Laura Myer]

Svengali made me think of something further.

Yes women do have a 'type' that they go for.

For example, I know the type I go for, and unfortunately they are not the 'type' that I can have deep philosophical intelligent conversations with. So I've worked out for myself that they make a potential lover and that's it. (For now until I meet a spiritual new age cowboy or Marlborough man). I might be waiting a while - but I only make it a casual relationship and am content the way I am.

This distinguishes what makes a potential lover compared to a long term partnership with someone who is your best friend, companion thru storms or good times etc.

If a woman is physically attracted to a man, I think these days women are not shy in making the first move.

However, friendship can blossom into something further if a couple keep hanging out. This is material for long term partnership.

There's nothing wrong in expressing how you feel. You won't get a slap in the face or humiliated. It's kind of cute in a way, but be prepared if she doesn't feel the same, and have Plan B's ready such as internet dating (I'd start already anyway). This could build your confidence in other women as well.

Laura
lauramyer.com

 

[Onwithit]

Hey Stonedudda,
It happened to me as well.
She felt safe with me around & she is a beautiful lady but after years of me listening & squirming over her stories, deepest sexual thoughts about different guys & her flippant relationships, I made a move & I mentioned the L word & that was the end of it. She started keeping me at arms length, still asking for favors.
I fucken hate "Platonic" relationships between a man & a woman, they are Bogus.
I think about this lady almost every day and it cracks me up.
I'm here on this site & visit WL's where I can pay and get something for it.
It helps me get over her & it works for a while here & there.
I think if you want to make a "Move" get her really fucken drunk & out of her mind because if she stabs you in the heart by saying "can we just be friends"' at least you can say to yourself that you've Fucked the Bitch and she wasn't that good.
After all, most all of the guys she met & slept with, (once while I was in the next room), she met at Bars or went out to dinner with, and had wine before bringing them home or going to there house overnight.
She'd always tell me stuff about what happened & how & where they did it.
And here's me, always playing the complete gentleman. Fuck it. Never Again.
To this day I'm still thinking about her & how I could have handled it.

 

[WRXXR]

s.
I fucken hate "Platonic" relationships between a man & a woman, they are Bogus.

Thats rubbish. It's very easy for a male and female to have a close friendship without either people developing feelings. OK while its happened a couple of times to me, i have many female friends who have BF's that i get on great with etc. We might catch up individually or with partners, go to pubs etc. I play a lot of mixed netball so i guess that also makes it very easy to form friendships with women.

I've found that if you want to be more than friends with a woman, you only have a few weeks to really develop that. If you constantly run after her, listen to her, make a fuss etc, the guy she can always depend on, you'll very rarely become anything more than a close friend who happen's to be a really nice guy.

 

[Onwithit]

Hey WRXXR.
You're a Realy Nice Guy

You have just confirmed they are bogus. unless your a Gay person (not that there's anything wrong with that).

You wrote
"I have many female friends who have BF's that I get on great with"

& that's because

"you'll very rarely become anything more than a close friend who happens to be a really nice guy."

Now, That's Rubbish

Your not one of those who gives "Expert" advise to those ladies about the happenings in their relationship are you ?. I hope not.

 

[WRXXR]

I don't care what other people do in their relationship. If questions are asked, i'll answer but in general i CBF what others do or dont do. All i am saying is that i do have female friends where there will be no romantic / sexual feelings. Not now. Not ever.

If i want more than a friendship, i will make it known at the start. If not then they will get treated exactly the same as my male mates. Cant see how men and women being friends without anything more is bogus?

 

[Lantana]

this is reminding me of the movie, when harry met sally..

 

[Onwithit]

I get your point but what is your meaning of "female friends".
I mean if your talking about an old lady who lives across the road or a female work college ok, but what if the lady is really attractive, even if it's just in your eyes, how does one curb the enthusiasm for romantic or sexual interlude.

And if you know a lady, as I did, who feels she can constantly talk to you about her private maters & has & wants no sexual interest in you except like talking with a brother or with a father and you have absolutely no family connection, I say WTF & what's the point.

Also if she has a BF & the BF knows your friends with her, then why wouldn't he feel threatened by you.
Do you look or talk like you wouldn't or couldn't be a threat or do you keep it both a secret, her secret non lover.

You can't treat ladies the same as male mates, they are women & a women has to be treated differently.
Males strip off together without a second thought, the language can be gutter & sometimes males pee in the same urinal at the same time, also have & discuss male problems that can only be discussed with another male or very intimate female partner.

You wrote "If you want more than friendship you will let them know at the start"
But what if your not good or cute enough and they say No, does one of you say
" Hey, I know we can just be friends". So she just tells her better looking, more intelligent, better suited, new or impending Bf, that you're just a nice guy who will come in handy one day, lets all get along.

I say, Fuck No, I don't have the time for it, because it's torturous.

But if your able to put up with it all, I take my hat of to you. I just can't do it.
Again, that's why I'm on this site, I need more than a female friend I can just talk to. I need the ultimate physical bonding.

 

[WRXXR]

Aghh, now i'm getting you

Female mates (not random coworkers, people i deal with daily etc) mean the same to me as my male mates. If i put all my male mates (and i'm certainly not a guy with 50 close mates either) in a room, you'd seriously ask WTF is going on as they are all so different. One day i am going to have a very strange wedding party. 1 bloke who's rough as guts. Ex navy from the day's when it was very different. Another bloke who's the nerdiest geologist you've ever met and a tiny gay Asian guy lol.

I am a bit of them all but some i cant get away with the more feral behaviour than others. A couple of them are fairly proper but they are cool guys. My female mates are the same. Some drop the C word more than i do. Certainly not going to jump in the change room's with them after netball games mind you!

Some of the girls aren't bad looking and one is simply stunning. She is well educated, a great job and an even better attitude. I just simply don't feel anything romantic towards them. If they have a partner, i dont know how, but i make it clear that they have nothing to fear. I dont tolerate jealousy very well so i know i need to make it clear. I became good friends with this girl about 12 months back and never actually met her BF. Now i spend more time with him lol

Very early in the piece, if i knew i wanted a relationship and she didn't, i dont think i'd bother with being friends as i know it'd just do my head in.

 

[Happy2]

Getonwithit & WRXXR 2 men with strong opinions from either end of the the
debate.
Personally I agree with WRXXR but it would surely be boring if we all agreed.If
you can jump every sheila you meet Onwithit good luck to you. But if you do
luck out and find a friend(and its not that tortuous) It is good and you may
be surprised that you can enjoy it. Maybe its slightly different ,no communal
slashes, but it is still good