Does anyone find that casual sex is a poor substitute for companion/relationships?

[BigBlackCock]

The fact is that I'm goddamn lonely. All my friends are married and have kids and don't have time for other people anymore - I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just a fact of life of parenthood.

I visit prostitutes and can afford to. But believe me, I'd rather spend my $150 or whatever on a great movie and dinner and a movie, art gallery, ballet, walk along the beach with a woman for company even in my daggiest tracksuit and shorts. Somebody to share my life with. I've had a lot of success in my work and recognition recently.... and had nobody to share this happiness with. Except for a phone call to mum.

Any comments anyone? Anyone with similar experiences?

 

[cutensexy]

Hi BBC.......my partner and i have been in a long term relationship for many years, and i wouldnt change it for anything. like anyone, we have our "moments" but they are few and far between, at the end of the day we have each other, we have the emotional ties, respect, fun, laughter and all those things that generally do not come with casual encounters.

being accepted as you are, either well dressed and groomed or hanging around in your daggiest threads and not shaving is a much more fulfilling experience than the emotionless, sometimes empty sexual experiences that you get.

it is a known fact that working ladies do have a private life and whilst they make every attempt to please and satisfy their customers, at the end of the day it is just a job and you are just a number for that day.

i have had the experience of casual sex in the past and quite frankly i felt as though i was doing him a favour!!!!!!
in relationships you do have the intimacy, emotions, fun, etc so in my opinion i personally would agree that casual sex is a poor substitute.

why is it that you are unsuccessful with your relationships??

 

[waxenboy]

I would like a girl friend just the compian ship would be nice.You get so lonely sometimes being single.You feel worthless sometimes being single you start asking yourself what is wrong with me?

Lucky i have some wonderful friends at lp's that they get me out of it and then im back to my normal self.

 

[BigBlackCock]

Hmm, the “two to tango” rationale. I’ve spent quite a bit of thought on the matter and have seen a counselor about it. She is in agreement that the problem isn’t with me It’s easy to say, you should stop seeing those sort of women then. Thing is you don’t know ‘til you dip your toe in the pool.

I actually went on a website called RSVP and met women with more baggage than Heathrow in peak tourist season. We all have baggage but some of us choose to come to terms with it and leave it on the carousel. This isn’t a reference to any member of this board who’s on RSVP by the way. The problem with websites (as in life I guess) is that many women(and men I guess) are generous with the truth and expect some magic wand to flick over and they'll know the man of their dreams in an instant. And they spend the rest of their lives wondering why they're lonely.

Visiting a WL is expensive after a while and very artificial in some circumstances. The intimacy is nice but when you spend your umpteenth night alone or not going to the ballet, the art gallery or a night out dancing for lack of company, or walking along the beach - 30 to 45 mins of sex is an enjoyable but poor substitute. The lady who chooses to walk with you on the beach is that - she chooses to and more likely than not, accepts the wind and sand and your existence unshaved or in daggy trackies.

Anyway, back to the original question. Anyone find it's a lousy substitute after a while especially when it's casual? :-X

 

[Deanna]

Poor Subsitute

Even tho I go to LP's and play on the scene elsewhere, I still find there is nothing better then making a mental connection before sex/play/love making.
I would rather go home without having not experiened intimacy than having an empty encounter.
Am older and wiser and would prefer to wait for quality people.
Set your standards high BBC. I was in the same sitituation that your in now about 9yr ago.
I did not have sex for 4yr but then into my life came the person that I had dreamt about for so long. It was worth the wait.
Stay postitive and remember that you attract what you put out.


'When I'am trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously.'
Shakti Gawain

In love and light,
Deanna

 

[chrissie]

Anyway, back to the original question. Anyone find it's a lousy substitute after a while especially when it's casual? :-X

Absolutely. I was having this conversation with a good friend the other night - we were both feeling a bit sorry for ourselves at the time I might add - she's a pre-op working in a country where that kind of 'deviance' would get her killed if she were a local, and I'd just had something come up with my daughter that I really wanted to share with someone who cared for her in the way I do. Being single sucks bigtime sometimes. It's not that I can't do things by myself, it's just that I wish I didn't always have to.

Chrissie

 

[sioxie]

Chrissie and BBC i know exactly what u mean. Having been living on my own now for 5 years i still find it hard some times to come home from work etc and not have someone here to talk too.........its more than not having someone in your bed at nite its as u said the companionship and sharing with a loved one........

I could fill my bed with strangers every nite and have sex with a different person every day if i chose to but the thing is what do u really get out of it in the end? I mean sure casual sex can be enjoyable if you take it for what it is.........but if u go using it to fill a void it can leave u even more lonely in the end..........

 

[honeyblonde]

BBC marry me

Its the daggy trackies, your a kindrid soul you can put those daggy trackies beside my fluffy slippers and nightie. ahhh a bridget jones moment for us all.

I know just how you feel, though I dont trust to offer up my heart for a slice and dice thats why I always did the fuck and run. I met stacks of men off the net had lots of very hot and great sex but its like chinese food your left wanting. We are like the MacDonnalds of sex, its get in and get out and thank you for the bonk and next please. We are overloaded with sex satuated with it and we go from bed to bed yet want someone to connect with on a emotional spiritual and mental plane.

When we do, when we find the one its like still water after a storm. Peace. I found that only once in my life.
If that person loves us they do so even if we dont want sex or when we get fat and old and fart in bed and our tits are round our belly button. Or with men they are loved and wanted in bed to hold and be with even when they cant get it up.

I dont have sex anymore for that one simple fact, its lonely as hell fucking strangers it makes me feel worse not better so I gave it up. though I am tempted a lot, I just go shower or walk on the beach. I dont masturbate either as that just makes me wish I was with a guy.

I think it would be so hard to go with a working woman when you want more, so close and yet so far away from your desires. the working girl has the talent to arouse and to get you off, but she is a working girl re the heart and mind need to be put away and the shell is on offer from both parites.

I think too many off us offer up our shells to the hands of strangers in the hope that the heart and soul of us finds some vestage of human bondage.

HB

 

[perthminx]

I have been single now since December, after years of boyfriend after boyfriend after girlfriend etc etc. At first I felt like the loneliest person on the planet. And sometimes I still feel that way (most of the time I am so friggin busy I don't have time to scratch myself let alone get lonely!!). The other night I was watching 'Heartbreakers' on TV and at the end when these two people look deeply into each others eyes and hug and kiss, a tear rolled down my cheek. I have been in love, and for all the bloody crap that I got out of it, I still long for it. I have had the crappiest of relationships, but no matter how many times I fall off the horse, I always want to climb back up. At the moment I have too many other commitments to be out there flogging my goodies looking for a partner, I have faith that when the time is right and when I need it most, whoever he or she is will be there.

I try to fill my life with work, study, I do charity work, have friends and family, have three gorgeous felines that I would die without, and sometimes I just need to spend time with me. Ever seen a movie alone before? I felt like a right tool when I walked into the cinema (I saw Kinsey at Luna SX- Great film!!) but there were five other people alone too! Are the relief of being alone with other loners!!

BBC try to be positive. And try to avoid listening to romantic/soppy songs, watching romantic/soppy films or going outside, where all you see when you are lonely is people madly in love kissing, holding hands and hugging!!!

 

[twowheels]

The fact is that I'm goddamn lonely. All my friends are married and have kids and don't have time for other people anymore - I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just a fact of life of parenthood.

I visit prostitutes and can afford to. But believe me, I'd rather spend my $150 or whatever on a great movie and dinner and a movie, art gallery, ballet, walk along the beach with a woman for company even in my daggiest tracksuit and shorts. Somebody to share my life with. I've had a lot of success in my work and recognition recently.... and had nobody to share this happiness with. Except for a phone call to mum.

Any comments anyone? Anyone with similar experiences?

Sounds like my story, I feel for you, come and join this crowd, they have made my life a whole lot more filled

 

[MASTER WIZARD]

Me 3

Dear Sir, and Others,
The short answer: YES SIR!
I am "ployamourous" that is multiple "Loves", My body does not co-operate when it comes to "casual" sex. I require a "Loving" interaction before I start down that road.
The difficulty that I encounter, is that Most people feel good with a loving *non-sexual* relationship, and don't desire to take the chance , sex may change it.
So I have a lot of wonderful people that I love dearly all over this country, but bugger-all sex.

On the other side of the coin, I have the feelings reciprocated, and I have earned a great deal of respect. And I get to have some really fantastic "Cuddles" and occassionaly some nice Snuggles.

 

[Amanda]

I'll be short and sweet on this one.... NOTHING is better than a good relationship...

 

[Oscar]

From someone with - - (lots!) years alone.Never give up !"Look On The Bright Side Of Life".To my mind the occassional tear jerker or song with meaning that lets you have a real good cry(and i mean a chest bouncer!) works wonders.Sometimes once a week,sometimes every other year.Who cares!Then pick yourself up andGO. Very resiliant the human being.... :love4: :love6: It's out there.It's not all :BangHead:

 

[licalotopus]

Yes, yes and umm yes and yes. Looks like we are all not so different after all eh?
I , like Master Wizard often require some emotional attachment in order to 'perform' but have had casual sex at Lps recently, and no its not the same, but I still enjoy it, as sex, nothing more.
The sort of closeness, understanding and comfort we all seek has little to do with sex I think other than it is great to share yourself with someone you are really close to.
I have been fortunate enough to have had a good relationship, and I agree with Amanda.
Pete.

 

[southwestozyguy]

Casual sex is good but id doesnt come anywhere near the feelings you get when you are truly in Love or at one with a partner. The excitement with casual sex is the exploration of each others bodies but with a relationship its theirs and your feelings, likes, dislikes and the comfort of knowing that you have someone who will listen to you, help you and not judge you.
Maybe I live in fantasy land thou but thats what I would love to get out of a relationship.

But in answer to your question BBC "Man does not live on bread alone" ;D ;D ;D
so no substitute is a poor substitute

 

[SkinnyHippo]

Me, myself and Mrs Palmer

....I have been in love, and for all the bloody crap that I got out of it, I still long for it. I have had the crappiest of relationships...

I too have been in love and got a whole lot of nothing from it! I had been in two serious relationships from when i had just turned 18 until i was almost 22. After a messy breakup i swore myself off relationships. didnt want one, NEVER AGAIN!
I jumped onto the highway of one night stands and nighclub sluts. I had a great time, but it left me wanting one thing. Exactly the thing your looking for BBC.
I moved to Perth mid last year, partly to remove myself from the merry-go-round that i was stuck on.
since then i have not had a sexual partner, the longest period since becoming sexually active.
Not knowing many people here does make it a little tricky to meet ladies, but never say never, one day i will meet that somebody special, so will you BBC!

Kris

 

[EBONY]

I am a working girl and I love casual sex! BUT a poor substitute for love it is.

Before working i was married to a violent man for 9 years, It was a living hell but I loved him nontheless. Last week, after a really great night at work, I came home to my empty house and burst into tears......... I missed my exhusband! It came as quite a shock. Then i realised that it was not him I missed but someone to come home to. Someone to talk things through with. A companion.

In this line of work I have no shortage of casual sex......some of it mindblowing, some not...... but i had no-one to share my ups and downs with.

My theory is that while casual sex fullfills the physical needs we have it just does not come close to meeting the emotional needs we have. Their is a need for balance in all things including sex.

EBONY

 

[Vyxxxn]

I'll be short and sweet on this one.... NOTHING is better than a good relationship...

And I'll agree with ya Amanda

 

[chrissie]

I am a working girl and I love casual sex! BUT a poor substitute for love it is.

Before working i was married to a violent man for 9 years, It was a living hell but I loved him nontheless. Last week, after a really great night at work, I came home to my empty house and burst into tears......... I missed my exhusband! It came as quite a shock. Then i realised that it was not him I missed but someone to come home to. Someone to talk things through with. A companion.

In this line of work I have no shortage of casual sex......some of it mindblowing, some not...... but i had no-one to share my ups and downs with.

My theory is that while casual sex fullfills the physical needs we have it just does not come close to meeting the emotional needs we have. Their is a need for balance in all things including sex.

EBONY

Really well said, I agree with you 100%. I'd probably go a bit further and say that the excellent sex (or in my case, scening) that I have with clients actually highlights the lack of on-going emotional contact in the rest of my life at times, and can be a real downer. Which is why I don't engage in casual sex outside of work.

Chrissie

 

[summer]

summer

Your know what I do as a business,
but on a general feedback,I really feel what you'd like
as in casual relationship there is nothing wrong with that!
You are not asking for to much and you just need that special
person who feel's the same way!
A casual fling here and there is fine if the other person feel's the same way!
nothing to full on there will be a lady out there who does'nt
want the emotional involvement and and getting to personally
involved!So don't give up maybe you can place a small advert in the personal
collum of the paper and say a little bit of yourself and that you would
like a casual fun fling on the side!
That may help or you need to look else where as go to a bar watch
a band and dance with the lady's a bit then see which one keep's dancing close to you that
shall be enough of a hint ,maybe buy her a drink later when you start talking
let her know that at the moment your not looking for anything to heavy and you would like to start on a casual basis and see you go from there?
Summer.xx :hello:

 

[Senile]

I hope you're talking about cover bands - because these days, hardly anyone dances to an original band [excluding myself and maybe a couple of others]...

For me, I'm just confused. I love having a relationship with someone, be it sexual or not. I fell in love with someone who I didn't have a sexual relationship with, but it was hard because she did not reciprocate the same feelings [well, at least in the same way] and I tore myself up over it.

But, I do also like the physicality - I'm by no means great at having sex or whatever, as said before, I may not be exactly thrilled by it all the time. When I'm bursting for sex, there's none to go around, when I'm not, it comes in abundance.

What sucks is that I have a 'partner' of sorts, but he lives in another state and at the present moment, we're not exactly talking. If I need a relationship, I need someone who is close to me who I can call upon [and vice versa] when I need them...not just to talk to, but to hug and whatnot.

A casual thing is great until you start getting attached [whether it's one sided or reciprocated]. So you have to be careful, especially with who you trust these days.

Right now, I don't really know what I want. Do I want the guy in the other state to come here and be with me, or do I want to fuck it off and start afresh [again] here? Do I want a sexual relationship, or do I want something more?

I honestly couldn't care less about what happens, but something needs to happen. Living on your own sucks gigantic balls and it's nice to have someone come over every now and then to make it something more. Either that, or I just really need to get a flat mate [which I do].

The moral of my story: don't expect the unexpected to last forever.

 

[spice-me]

sailing a different boat

Well I have married for 12 years... and happily...

Yet when I left south africa , for WA, the biggest thing I missed and lost was my circle of female friends... not all sexual, but some like kissing sisters.. there to talk too and chat... time to have a drink with and lunch now and again...but why you may ask...

I marrried later than most at 30. I always enjoyed female company,,, for verbal fun, bantering and sometimes just some one to chat to and moan.
my wife is great, but she will never fill the role of the mate who is female... thats not her role.,, she is my best friend, lover, wife and soul-mate. The other side of me needs female companionship at times to chat to ...ask advice... help me pick out sexy lingerie for her etc... coffee at lunch time and sometimes passionate no-strings casual sex...

Don't right off casaul sex... even when you have a partner at home, dinner on the table and dessert in the bed........... then need for casual stress relieving, ego boosting... errotic casual sex still has a place...

The answer is the balance... and how to keep that balance in check and tune...
For me.. the short term answer was at first the dating agencies~hook-up clubs... but they could not precieve who or what I wanted... it's hard replacing 20 years of friends and networks in a strange land over night.... then I went to the internet... tried chat rooms and pages...till I found Perth Adult Groups and LP's... oh and ofccourse the lovely ladies of Langtrees...yes I admit to having a taste for young sexy blondes and red heads that slide with ease and glamour from a bar stool at Maryannes wonderful establishments...

so has my craving and lust for female friends and kiising-cousins been found... not quite.
A few of you are very dear to me.. you fill the gap between female freindship and sexual banter,,, nice to teaze and sleaze at time online or over a drink...the rest, well we will see, there are among you a few that tantalize a certain part of me and maybe one day I will click again with a few of you. Just somebody to unwind with, bitch and moan togther about the shit life throws at us,,, and at times drown lustfully in each others passion.

ohh well theres my soul, bared and open...

Spice-Me

 

[astrid]

To Waxenboy,BBC,Skinnyhypo and Pukka

The thing is,nobody can give us a better life but ourselves,if you wait for someone to make you happy you will never be,if you want a happy life,tie it to a goal,not to people or things.
You attract people by the qualities you display and you keep them by the qualities you possess.
True love allows great space,great scope ,and possesion is not part of it.Possesion is simply a stage at the beginning,really nothing more than the marking of fresh circumstances.The commitment is to be there and allow all manner of growth and opportunity.To allow divergence.To allow privation even in a sense of unity,because unity depends on parts.
Truly loving another means letting go off all expectations.It means full acceptance,even celebration of anothers personhood.

Life is your creation,love Anouka

 

[BigBlackCock]

Well Anouka, thanks for that deep and meaningful input. I think just about every poster here so far is of the opinion of what I've thought. Casual or physical interludes are a lousy substitute for companionship/relationships. Sure, no one can make you happy but you - but being in relationship is what I'd be happy about right now and so would many on this board.

I have to admit I'm surprised to hear so many women confess to this though - I would have thought, you'd have lots of choice. On a website I used to meet other women - a non-sexual one - many confessed they had about 8 to 25 approaches a week. Also, the number of women I've met who've had men wrapped around their fingers and fucked me over and go on to another without a moment's notice is amazing.

Oh well, we can do all the usual things - yoga classes, tennis lessons etc in the hope that one day fate will intervene. My own experience so far is that at yoga or tennis, people are there to do yoga or play tennis and then hop into their cars and disappear.

The 2 best compliments paid to me so far have been the same ones - both from women in relationships. In a way I wish they weren't said to me - it only increases the pain everytime I see another arsehole abusing a woman. The compliment was "XX, why are you still single? You should have been snapped up a long time ago". I've always been telling myself - "one day". But with more than a third of my life over, I'm beginning to think that day will never come - except in advertisements, movies and dreams.

And life goes on... :happy6:

 

[chrissie]

I have to admit I'm surprised to hear so many women confess to this though - I would have thought, you'd have lots of choice. On a website I used to meet other women - a non-sexual one - many confessed they had about 8 to 25 approaches a week.

There's a big differences between choices and approaches tho'. I've never bothered to tally up the number of approaches I get, particularly online, because most of them lose me after the first few minutes. They leap straight in to personal questions, or want a pic or the cam turned on 'just so I can see who I'm talking to' (yeah, right), or they're dumb enough to ask 'asl' 2 seconds in, or they use 'txt' English (I can't help it, I'm a linguistic snob and I loathe laziness). Of the 100's of people who've made it past the first 5 minutes, I've met a handfull 'meat-life', most of whom I've kept contact with, but no sparks have flown, no waves crashing on the beach lol.

Rightly or wrongly, I choose not to pursue relationships with people who aren't already active bdsm'ers. I know what I want in my life, I've embraced my kink - and I'm not interested in 'converting' someone who isn't already reasonably experienced or at the very least, knowledgeable about it.

Just to narrow the field further, I'm a serial monogamist, so I'm absolutely not interested in meeting anyone who already has an attachment, or who is poly. So out of an already small group, I've managed to reduce it to miniscule before I even say hello lol.

I've watched others I know come to this realisation, and watched them embrace the pub/club scene in an effort to change their state, or meet anyone and everyone who invites them for a coffee even tho' they already know they aren't really interested in them, and I even tried it myself for a while - but guess what? It bored the pants off me - and not in the fun way lol.

So every now and then - usually on rubbish bin day, or when there's a particularly dirty job to do on the car, or a building job that really needs an extra pair of hands I get a mild case of the 'what's she got that I haven't got's until I look more carefully at what most of the 'she's' I know have and realise that I don't really envy them at all, nor do I wish it were me in their place.

If I meet someone along the line that I click with, and that clicks with me, then that will be wonderful. And if I don't, then that will be wonderful too - 'cos I've found a handyman that _will_ do the jobs I want done, when I want them done, and at a very reasonable price - that doesn't include washing his socks lol.

Chrissie

 

[red0412303609]

single and loving it

well I just had to post here--
------------------------guess u guys got the better of me,
anyway ----
I have always been single------- purely by choice,
have had many girlfriends and relationships yet they
seem to go into directions that end up in the wrong way.

I guess thats life.

Still - being single has its up an downs- pretty much like life itself!!!!

So - I was originally from Sydney- and anyone can tell you that that place is a single mans mecca!!!!!!!
Perth is great too- but as with anything else-- what you put into life is what you get out of it.

So to all the single people out there- all I can say is --- The World is one big house- you just gotta start knocking on the doors

Hope this makes sense to you :

 

[Pink]

lonley not good

bbc i read your post about being lonely and i do feel for you... i was with my ex husband since i was 13 we have been apart for 3yrs now i went straight into a relationship with a man half my age and we love each other he has shown me what its like to feel special and beautiful and loved without any conditions... unlike with all my years with my husband at times you can be in a relationship and still feel very lonely as i used to, i hope the right lady comes along for you to make you feel the way you should..... take care :angel1:

 

[cli-max]

Wow!

Lots of good reading here. In particular Astrid's post..............WOW! :read2:
xx Max

 

[ItsMike]

For me I'd say its a given that a loving relationship outweighs the benefits of casual sex. However in my current position where I not currently involved with or socialising in circles where I am likely to get involved with either.

So the question for me would therefore be which would I prefer right now.

I think my priority would be trying to meet someone to form a relationship with. However because of that importance I am willing to be more patient and find an opportunity to meet someone in the right circumstances. I can pipe up with the usual "I don't know where to meet people" sort of thing and that's probabaly partly right. If anyone knows where the nice looking for a relationship girls just hang out in large groups please get me a ticket.

However right now casual sex would also be high on my agenda and for that I don't feel the need to be more patient, but once again I'm lacking in opportunity. But the desire there is more of an animal one than an emotional one. One things for sure, when the opportunity comes along I am giving the lucky lady 100%

I guess what I'm saying is that depending on your circumstances one may be more fulfilling than the other in the long term, but life without either is pretty unexciting all round!

 

[james_49]

My answer

No. Maybe yur turning gay