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Depression

IrvingMorrell2

IrvingMorrell2

Gold Member
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
Please call a helpline (Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 for phone counselling) and talk all of this through.
I hear that you feel alone. It is important for you to act and reach out, since you are too valuable not to.
 
John Smithl said:
Please call a helpline (Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 for phone counselling) and talk all of this through.
I hear that you feel alone. It is important for you to act and reach out, since you are too valuable not to.
Click to expand...
Try men's line,
mantle or nurse on call beyond blue or a support service you feel comfortable with.
Lifeline is useless
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
You have answered your own question my friend, you just need to remind yourself of the answer below:

"I am worthy of care, concern and love"

I too am alone both now and tomorrow, if you need to reach out just dm me
 
Just a bit from my own experience, you may be chasing money and rescuing girls.. .putting yourself on a position to be let down. I have noticed the best way of getting myself in the right place is by being of service to others (that I don't want to stick my dick in).

Mirtazapine also works wonders.

Feel free to DM if you want
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
Very sad that people take advantage…. You are most worthy of of care , concern and love I agree and you are also worthy of respect and not to be taken advantage of.
 
Just checking in mate and seeing how you are. May you have a Happy Xmas as best as it can be for you bud.
Please take care and DM if you need to. Next year will be better for you but even today it can start without waiting for a New Year.
This too shall pass with better days ahead.
Regards, WB.
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
You bother because you know deep down that you matter Irving.

Giving up is a personal choice , but may I suggest you talk to someone about the serious matters before any choice is made ..

Personally , I choose to live with my prison mate as well as enjoy life.

Wild.Brumby put up a good thread .. yesterday only. Have a read of it before you go out this arvo to sit by water , in the sun .. for 10min

www.talkinsex.com

R U OK

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
www.talkinsex.com www.talkinsex.com
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
Moral of the story mate. Never date a single mum or be a captain save a hoe…. It has ruined countless men. Hang in there keep busy this time will pass brother.
 
James3006 said:
Moral of the story mate. Never date a single mum or be a captain save a hoe…. It has ruined countless men. Hang in there keep busy this time will pass brother.
Click to expand...
Solid advice from James3006. There is no simply no advantage to a man to date or marry a single mum. You will always be second place and easily discarded. Never lead with your wallet too, for anyone.
 
Thank you guys. I appreciate the support. I know all about the mental health charities and I really appreciate WildBrumby posting them for others. I've raised 10's of thousands for them over the last ten years with my business events, amazing charities and all incredibly worthwhile.

Sadly today, you'd think with a wife and a girlfriend that you'd feel...I don't know what, but not empty. Empty is definitely what I feel.

I look at my past, all of my work and business for others, and see no future ahead. Or at least no future different from what I am experiencing today.

I'm safe, but with a recent cancer diagnosis I think this is going to be my last Christmas. After 42 years I think we're reaching the point where it's time to throw in the towel in the next 12 months. I guess I better try and have a blast.

Happy holidays all. If you have loved ones, give them a hug.
 
@IrvingMorrell2 Sorry to read about your cancer diagnosis. Keep positive and follow advice from your practitioners.

I’ve just come through cancer treatment, nearly dying last year in hospital. My fiancé left me after the diagnosis, didn’t want to hear from me, so she’ll never know I’m okay now.

I’ve been along this trail before you and know it’s a difficult journey but I believe you have resilience.

Non of us know the sum of our days so must embrace all we are gifted. I believe you’ll be a survivor.

Post cancer I re-evaluated my life priorities. I semi retired to have time to embrace a more meaningful life now.

When my fiancé left me I needed to dig deep within myself to fight courageously alone through my cancer journey.

I contemplated “throwing in the towel” but packed that shit away in my kitbag in a heartbeat.

Fight for yourself, maintain positivity don’t think this Xmas is your last, do all your practitioners require of you and be a survivor, a fighter, not a victim.

I see an opportunity right now for you to face this adversity and use it as a tool to build character. Turn your negatives into a positive.

Be a rock in a stream, even though the waters cascade past you, stand fast. One day someone may need you as a rock to step across their rushing stream.

I’m proud of you reaching out in the forum, you recognised a community you could trust to listen to your journey. DM me if needed mate.
 
@IrvingMorrell2 , @WildBrumby

Brumby, thank you for sharing your story and empathising with Irving, I can only hope you have provided some inspiration for Irving.

Irving, I do not pretend to know your exact circumstances, nor the outcome of your diagnosis, however what is clear to me, is that your immediate future is entirely in your hands. You say you can see no future ahead, well, fact is that is actually the one thing you do have control over, you can choose your immediate future and make it anything you want it to be.

Make your life leading up to this point mean something and make your future your own!
 
IrvingMorrell2 said:
It's the night before Christmas and I'm so alone.

I realised nine months ago, after over 10 years of marriage, that my wife and I had morphed into roommates rather then partners, with constant complaining from her happening every time I got home.

Nevermind the fact that she gets to sit at home all day playing video games.

Nevermind the fact that I've built up four businesses over the last seven years that bring us home hundreds of thousands of dollars of profit.

It struck me that we were having sex at best once a month, often with months passing in between times of intimacy. It got to the point that I stopped asking for sex, cuddles or hugs, because there was something wrong with me obviously, otherwise wouldnt she love me?

Nine months ago I started seeing escorts, in fact dozens of them. Making up for years of repressing my needs.

I built up confidence again. I am a good lover. I am attentive to my partner's needs, I am worthy of care, concern and love.

A few months ago I met a woman. She asked me out. I was completely upfront from the beginning about my wife, etc.

She eventually told me she has a six year old son. I'd never intended to be a father. I got myself fixed at 20 to avoid becoming one, but for her, I thought maybe.

She'd had a tough life, like myself, subject to abuse and hunger and hardship, and I decided I wanted to take those things away from her and give her and her son a better life.

I decided to try and make her first Christmas away from her son a special one, giving her thousands of dollars to spend on her son, her mum, herself.

Stupid me.

10 days ago I came down with covid, she'd got it first. We would message dozens of times a day. The first thing in the morning, the last thing at night.

Over the last 10 days though, it got quieter and quieter, until today I decided to see if she would message unprompted.

It's almost 7pm and there is nothing.

Another year alone in my head. Another year wondering why I'm not dead.

I no longer know why I even bother.
Click to expand...
Just a gentle reminder that prioritizing your recovery is NOT being selfish. Instead, it's essential to ensure that everything else doesn't come first.
 
WildBrumby said:
@IrvingMorrell2 Sorry to read about your cancer diagnosis. Keep positive and follow advice from your practitioners.

I’ve just come through cancer treatment, nearly dying last year in hospital. My fiancé left me after the diagnosis, didn’t want to hear from me, so she’ll never know I’m okay now.

I’ve been along this trail before you and know it’s a difficult journey but I believe you have resilience.

Non of us know the sum of our days so must embrace all we are gifted. I believe you’ll be a survivor.

Post cancer I re-evaluated my life priorities. I semi retired to have time to embrace a more meaningful life now.

When my fiancé left me I needed to dig deep within myself to fight courageously alone through my cancer journey.

I contemplated “throwing in the towel” but packed that shit away in my kitbag in a heartbeat.

Fight for yourself, maintain positivity don’t think this Xmas is your last, do all your practitioners require of you and be a survivor, a fighter, not a victim.

I see an opportunity right now for you to face this adversity and use it as a tool to build character. Turn your negatives into a positive.

Be a rock in a stream, even though the waters cascade past you, stand fast. One day someone may need you as a rock to step across their rushing stream.

I’m proud of you reaching out in the forum, you recognised a community you could trust to listen to your journey. DM me if needed mate.
Click to expand...
I'm seeing and hearing of this sorta thing more and more. Seems true love is dead or just a fantasy. She wasn't there at your worst. She doesn't deserve you at your best.

Take care mate.
 
Hugs sweetheart
In all honesty, what you have described is many relationships.
I have lived with depression most of my life. I learned many years ago to be thankful for the small things in life.
My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. You don't need to be feeling this alone
 
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