Becoming more curious

[leeroy83]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18months, and have always had a great open sex life, including being able to try new things and pleasure like never before.
In the past 8-12months I've noticed by boyfriend on occasion like's to pleasure himself in women's underwear, including using our sexual toys on himself and sometimes even videoing it, but he always tried to hide it, and does it when I'm not home or hides evidence.
In recent times there's been more developement and i'm now trying to get him to accept it and stop hiding it and enhance it. Told him I'd never do anything that he didn't want me to, and that i'd like to explore it as a couple.
I don't think he realises that the thoughts I have of what we could do turns me on ALOT, and I can't stop thinkng about it. Wether thats seeing him in womens underwear and me pleasuring him, or watching him play with himself whilst I pleasure him otherwise, to possibly introducing a strap on to the bedroom.
I think he thinks I might not like it or that he's ashamed of it and doesn't want to involve me for fear of me thinking less of him. I don't think he realises how much i've thought about it and the amount of research I have done.

Can anyone explain if i'm doing something wrong?? I just want us to be able to be open with each other and explore new things. And I've told him just that. However once it has been mentioned he shuts down and doesn't really say anything. Help??

 

[johnlou]

leeroy83 : 1st up i want to say welcome to the forum


you will get many and varied answers to your question .

it is up to you to decipher which is best for your situation

my thoughts r , going by what you have said i would try and talk to your b/friend about your thoughts and if that doesn't work then maybe purchase a porn vid to-which is closest to your requirements and go from there .


John

 

[Sir Stefan]

He is most fortunate to have someone as understanding and supportive as you.

Unfortunately he is having difficulty in coming to terms with his own personal embarrassment and that is why he is not welcoming your support.

Another reason is that he may actually enjoy the 'naughtyness' of doing what he does in secret... a bit like the voyeur who is not stimulated by watching a stripper get naked on stage... as she knows that he is watching her... but who gets off by 'spying' on Girls undressing, as they are not aware his eyes are on them in their most private moments... It's a bit like pinching lollies and trying not to get caught.... it creates an adrenalin rush.

 

[Elise Emerald Kitten]

27863f4f59a041ec4b3f304b69e2bc479db

 

[leeroy83]

hey,

The latest development was a fake facebook account, advertising himself as a shemale, who loved everything about it, that was looking for friends or maybe more in the local area, and that he'd love to have his tight lil ass fucked.

He tell's me there nothing to it and "just for fun", and this account isn't the first, i've also found 2-3 prior, all saying the same pretty much.

His silence and shut down about it all is starting to get really frustrating, and I'm not sure if I can continue the relationship, I love him with everything I've got, but I'm over trying to meet him halfway with everything and him not stepping up to the plate, and I'm not just talkin bout the bedroom stuff.

I'm trying to be supportive and have given him space time and time again to think about it But everytime I mention anything he shuts down and ignores me pretty much till everything has calmed down.

 

[Elise Emerald Kitten]

WPuYa^wd(T@Lto>]7/?$Kp[>g/|^=t

 

[leeroy83]

Hey,

Thanks so much for your help. and appreciate that things are now a little clearer. It has been hard being able to talk to anyone about it, because I want to be loyal and support him and not cause him more stress, however I think now is the time for the reality check, as you've suggested, because I can't think of anything else I can do, and I want a life partner, not someone that makes me feel like I just share a house and a bed with. It has been a long road, and i'm sure the one ahead is even longer. Whatever the outcome may be, once again, thanks so much for your help. =)

 

[darksecret23]

As others have said, it's great that you are very supportive and he is lucky to have you!

Your bf sounds like an introvert with some strong fetishes ...a little like me, I love wearing heels, hosiery etc). I was actually caught by my mum and completely shut down when she wanted to know about it and it took about 2 years before I was comfortable to speak with my mum (person I trust the most!). I would give anything to have a girlfriend who encourages me or even a female friend to talk to about it!

If he is introverted there's a few ways to make him feel more comfortable... (if he's not maybe try it anyway)
If you sit down and talk, make sure there's no other noise/stimulation going on just you and your boyfriend talking. Give him time to talk (should he choose to), don't interrupt. If you say something give him time to think of an answer. Reassure your bf, you love him for who he is, he can be comfortable around you, he can crossdress around you (it sounds like you're cool with it), no-one else will know about his secret.
*If you're boyfriend shuts down again, just ask him to listen to you and he does not have to speak until he wants to.
Once you've talked (which I hope your bf comes around to doing) give him time to reflect on the conversation and maybe ask his thoughts in one week or two weeks time without mentioning it in between.

It does sound like you're making every effort to get through to him and get him to open up. I think you're perseverance shows a lot and hopefully he will see that he has a wonderful girlfriend!

I thought I should add... I had a few thoughts on some ways to encourage him to talk... buy him some women's underwear as a present with a long loving note explaining your feelings (maybe?)... if all else fails, you could handcuff him to the bed (or some other physical trap) and do not release him until he opens up... just some ideas.

I hope this is a helpful post! Good Luck

 

[johnlou]

hi darksecret23 some good sound advice u gave there .

i was thinking of the "purchase a female garment" that would suit him and also add a letter to explain how u feel about him and what he is trying to hide

Ty John

 

[Farm Boy]

Get a new boyfriend.

 

[svengali]

Hmm!!

I think everyone has pretty well covered this situation and, as a smart woman, you probably know already what you need to do.

Having "little" secrets from each other is not necessarily a bad thing but this sounds like a real "elephant in the room". You probably want a shared and varied sex life and here he is with a whole other life of his own which doesn't include you. It isn't quite as bad as keeping a mistress but runs pretty close as he obviously invests a fair bit of time in it.

This is selfish at best and downright deceitful at worst. The snag with lies and half-truths is what they do to trust. You find one and you have to wonder how many more are out there that you haven't found out about. Start looking and snooping and you feel pretty lousy about yourself for doing it which leads to resentment for being put in that position.

Even if you issue an ultimatum and he lets you in on his other world can you be sure that that is all he has hiden away or is there more......?

You have invested 18 months in this relationship so it is probably getting to the "make it permanent or move on" stage. Only you can make this choice and it is a scary one but I believe you need to take a bit of time to consider your own needs and what you want in a life partner. If this guy doesn't measure up then cut your losses and move on.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"...

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

 

[grazzad]

Hi, as a male who has the same feelings perhaps of your boyfriend i would encourage you to talk to him about the possibillities of exploring the delights of x dressing and role playing involving strap on toys.
As i wish my partner would encourage me to explore all my sexual urges in this vein.
I wish you luck.

 

[leeroy83]

Thanks everybody for your support.
OMG what a whirlwind of a week gone. Things finally come to a head on the weekend where my partner almost moved out. It all started about lunch time on friday, and didn't calm down till sunday afternoon when we sat and spoke about everything and explained a few things. He know's i'm open to the exploration as a couple, and I also told him i think we both need to find someone we can talk to, other then each other, so that we can talk about everything and maybe understand things abit more ourselves so that we are able to talk to each other and communicate better, and he's agreed to try and to work on things between us. So things are starting to look a little brighter, and things between us since have been alot better.
Once again, thanks everyone for your help =)