A little extra on the side

[Bluegrass9]

I feel it is fine to have sex other than your partner as long as you ensure your partner does not know. Of course partners do not mind and even join in.

So do you feel guilty or ashamed? I believe I can justify my extra on the side and I still have been happily married for over thirty years.
:walk:

 

[couple]

How would you feel if your partner had an affair ?

 

[stormline]

Yeah very good question COUPLE. It's easy to say that you wouldn't mind but if you are a jealous person the outcome could be very different.
I believe the only way to have different people in a relationship is if you both are there for the fun.
At least that way you get an idea if either person is going to handle seeing there partener fuced by someone else.
Yes in some cases a couple can have an open relationship and still love one and other greatly,but to actually cheat on your partener behind her bac is a different story...just my thoughts.

 

[Bluegrass9]

Good question couple. The answer is, it would not worry me. However I would find it hard watching her or being in the same room as her.

And yes I love my wife very much.
:walk:

 

[Link83]

My ex didn't want to swing, which was fine, neither did I. But she stopped supplying sex, and she gave me her blessing to go and see sex-workers. I went through the whole guilt trip of being a "cheater". A couple of sex-workers who I saw on a regular basis called me a cheat as well. I still can't figure that one out-since they were fucking me, what did that make them?

But what got me was that I discovered later that my ex had a couple of affairs. That two faced side of it is what pissed me off. Why all the pretence of saying to my face that she was not interested in other guys? I just kept my extras quiet, but she just had to make a pont of rubbing her "innocence" in my face.

So I certainly have a different view of "cheating" now. It goes something like this:

When a woman talks of a "cheat" she is actually imagining the guy who on his own wedding night goes out and fucks one of the bride's maids. I have noticed that women that talk this way seem to have no concept of the marriage that has gone on for twenty or thirty years and where long-standing differences have never been resolved. Where the supply of sex is usually withdrawan by the woman and the man on realising that this is all there is says to himself "I may as well get my fun while I am still capable of enjoying it".

Marriage includes an unspoken agreement that both will partake of the marital rights. If the woman withdraws then she is actually "cheating" on an agreement.

Of course, it is not as simple as that, but it certainly doesn't help to just simply point the finger either.

 

[Bluegrass9]

If you have a bit on the side and feel guilty then I would not do it. I believe sex and love are different.

I believe a guy who goes out with his mates all night and leaving his wife at home is cheating more on their relationship.

Therefore it is up to each individual and the circumstances he /she is faced with to decide what is right or wrong. Only you knows what you feel you can or should do. None should judge what is right or wrong but yourself.
:walk:

 

[svengali]

Yep, "judge not lest ye be judged" or, from another (Native American) source "Do not judge another man until you have walked a mile in his shoes".

The decision to seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage is an individual one and one which no decent man or woman would take lightly. "Right" and "wrong" are not absolute. A man or woman who is not getting any at home still has a need (presumably) and knows that within a finite time, they will be incapable of enjoying sex at all. It is not unreasonable, then, to look elsewhere for it and a paid companion at least does not have the baggage or emotional attachment of a mistress or an affair.

As to not telling the partner - why would you? The partnership may be otherwise o.k. and divorce is a financial disaster for both parties, more so if kids are involved. Telling all in the hope of forgiveness, reconciliation and saving the relationship is a pretty long shot in my humble opinion.

 

[SubNymphet]

im the one that has been cheated on in my marriage... 3 times... and forgivness is not easy!!!
Before we got married i made it known how i felt about marriage, and told him if he felt the NEED to go elsewhere, to talk to me about it and it would be something i would consider... however he STILL went behind my back and did it... it did ruin our relationship, its been over a year now and still struggling...
I never stopped offering sex, infact he was the one to withdraw from our physical relationship, and even now im lucky to get sex 2ce a week even though i offer on at least a daily basis!!!

As far as I am concerned, i can get past the fact he was screwing someone else, but i juts cant get over the lies... it means i can never truely trust him, and am always questioning him, which i hate, and im sure he hates too!!!

Now, on the other side, he now allows me to attend swingers clubs on my own, he does not come with me as he doesnt want to be with anyone else anymore... i dont have sex with other men as a rule (although on occasions i have, and he knows everything)

I guess in my opinion, cheating (behind your partners back) is the lowest of low... I think it shows a lack of respect to your partner and kids... If your not getting wat you need from you partner, talking, counselling etc are much better options, and if all that fails then divorce! at least it would be on better terms than if your caught out having an affair, then itll be a nasty divorce!

I do not judge people though (nothing personal meant in any of my comments) i myself have cheated on some of my ex's, but hated myself for it after... and some close friends of mine are regular cheats... each to thier own

 

[Link83]

Hey SubNymphet, now that is the other sort of argument I used to keep hearing. "Go and get a divorce". Eventually...yes. If it was just me and her, no problems at all. Divorce, sell up, clean up, pack up, everything up. Divorce and be done with it!

But while the kids were just finishing school? That is unfair on the kids. To pull the secure environment out from under them just as they are establishing career paths seemed abit unfair on them. So I shut up, and went through it, and had a friend who I enjoyed, and loved, and I believe it was mutual for her as well. "Cheating" seemed like the best option. Maybe the problem is that "cheating" is not a good word, maybe an adjustment of the marriage contract might be a better way to speak of it.

Regarding your situation in not getting what you want, this is where his affair IS impacting on your life. Your husband satisfies himself with someone else, and you are missing out on one of lifes great joys. Are there kids involved? Because from the way you describe your situation, it sounds like you are unhappy with your relationship anyway.

As far as counselling is concerned, everyone that knew of our situation would advise me "get counselling". My experience was that it can be helpful. But it is not guaranteed. It is highly dependant on the counsellor, as well as the couple. But if you think about it, if it is fifty-fifty that the counsellor is effective, and fifty-fifty for the husband, and fifty-fifty for the wife, that is only a one in eight chance that couselling will work. The odds need to be alot stronger than that.

In the end, you have to choose your path, like the rest of us. You can always PM me if you want to tell me any more. Happy to exchange ideas.
I really do hope it works out for you.

 

[Bluegrass9]

Thank you for all who have posted on this thread. I am sorry for any pain I have caused to anyone but I believed it should be discussed.

I believe there is no right or wrong answer but whatever we do we must be able to live accept what ever happens in the future.
:walk:

 

[SubNymphet]

things are moving foward and getting better now, mainly thanks to counselling... sure not all counsellors are any good, and both partners have to want to change things...

Link, no, i have no kids (other than my pets )
I was the result of a divorce of my parents when i was 13. Honestly, it was actually a good thing!!! My sister and i had actually been talking between ourselves saying we knew mum and dad needed a divorce so it was no suprise when it happened! Kids know more than you could think about that sort of thing these days. I have a friend who's parents stayed together because of him and his brother, only to get divorced anyway because one had an affair... my friend now resents his parents for lying all those years!!!
Sure, divorce is a really hard decision, but sometimes its best for everyone!
speaking from my experience, both my mum and dad are SOOO much happier for the divorce! my mum lost about 100KG, dad got remarried and had a new baby, everyones happy!!!

Bluegrass- No pain caused at all i am at peace with everything going on in my life, and every one is free to speak their mind!

 

[Link83]

Hey Subnymphet, I am glad that you are at peace with everything in your life. Way to go!

 

[Brad]

It's the lying that would hurt me the most.

 

[AGENT: Kyle J]

Ok here it is the question of all questions: Do you think humans as a species are intended to be a polygamous group of people or a monogamous group of people. I honestly believe polygamous and maybe this should become more mainstream society?

 

[TemptMe]

I think it's more about serial monogamy.... Certainly would be majorly upset if my hubby was to seek sex outside the marriage behind my back. Our relationship is built on trust and honesty - to break that breaks the relationship...We have the skills to communicate and therefore should do so...

 

[AGENT: Kyle J]

yes but you can be honest with your partner/s and still be polygamous

 

[TemptMe]

Well my point was sex outside the marriage behind my back as I said.. We have discussed these type of issues and polygamy doesn't fit the situation for us...Each to their own. If polygamy works for you that's great - but I would guess it's a rarity.

 

[Link83]

Paint your wagon! ...

 

[BlackDagger_Au]

I feel it is fine to have sex other than your partner as long as you ensure your partner does not know. Of course partners do not mind and even join in.

So do you feel guilty or ashamed? I believe I can justify my extra on the side and I still have been happily married for over thirty years.
:walk:

Hey whats good enough for one is good enough for both​

Better with a WL i guess than having a affair all starts in good fun then ends in tears

Cya :walk:

 

[swingingstories]

Most people when asked about cheating say that it's not the act that hurts it's the deceit and the lying. I heard a definition for cheating once that was "Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your partner standing right next to you". Now I guess that could be expanded to include "or anything you don't have permission to do."

I truly believe that if you cannot be honest with your partner, then you shouldn't be with that partner. I've heard all the excuses, money, kids etc. I hope I don't offend with these comments, but there are more important things than money, and I personally would never want my example to my children be one which teaches them that you settle for second best and lie and deceive to meet selfish personal needs.

If your needs are not being met, and you cannot resolve it, or put them aside, then it's time to leave. Stand up, be strong and stop sneaking around justifying your behaviour as your mate's fault.

All comments with respect,
Love
swingingstories

 

[Link83]

Hey Swingin, now I'm with you as far as truth is concerned. Truth is a great ideal.

Consider the following. A man on his deathbed and his wife lovingly holding his hand. In his last breaths he asks, "that time thirty years ago, did you and Jeff do it?"

Swingin, she did do it with Jeff, should she own up?

 

[swingingstories]

Link, that is a good question.

The idea in this thread that is being debated, as far as I can tell, is not a once off mistake where someone has allowed circumstances to go too far. What is being discussed is regularly and deliberately meeting physical needs outside the marriage bounds.

I personally believe that if someone has made a once off mistake, realises they were wrong, and sincerely wishes to make their marriage successful, that they do not have the right to unburden their guilty conscience onto their mate. Personally I think the wife should lovingly gaze into her husbands eyes and with all sincerity she can muster tell her husband that he has only ever been the one for her. And allow him to go to his death with a peaceful, rather than tortured heart. She can then deal with her guilt however she chooses to, after all it was her actions that caused her to feel that guilt in the first place.

Now, before you all think I'm being overly righteous, I am not suggesting that I have never thought about being unfaithful. I'm sure that at moments of arguments or when we have felt pain ourselves, that most of us have considered the idea philosophically. However, I have never acted on that, and I never will, therefore I will not be in a position to have to make a decision whether to tell or not.

Love
swingingstories

 

[Link83]

Swingin, good for you that you would do that. What a wonderful person you are.

So a wife looks in the mirror, but can't quite see her backside. She is trying on that expensive dress and wants to know what it looks like from behind. She asks hubby, "do you think this dress makes my butt look big?"

Hubby looks into his darling wife's eyes, knowing that honesty must be paramount and answers....?

Keep in mind, getting any sex in the future depends on his answer...

 

[svengali]

I know the only safe answer to this one! Pretend you didn't hear the question and walk (or run) quickly away. Cowardly but safe.

 

[swingingstories]

Link,

I just don't think it helps to find answers to hypothetical questions. The wife involved in your latest question actually doesn't want the truth, she wants reassurance and they are two different things. She wants to hear her husband tell her she looks gorgeous and that he is proud to be seen with her, whether her ass looks big or not is not the question.

The hypothetical situations can continually be posed and seem to be massively curly, at the end of the day, I try to live my life with integrity. If I can put my head on the pillow at the end of the day and sleep with my mistakes knowing they were honest or done with the best of intention, then I'm on the right track.

I have to disagree with you Link, I don't think I'm wonderful at all. I am flawed and difficult and overly sensitive and very very human. Anyone who thinks however that controlling your behaviour and showing the ability to respond to our own choices with integrity is wonderful, is looking for excuses for their own poor choices.

Love
swingingstories

 

[Mary Anne PA]

my husband would (and does) tell me if Im wearing something unflattering.

However he would also say "Ive met this awesome chick, meet us at her place" ;-P

 

[Justinb]

I do not get sex off my wife very often. Even though it is driving me crazy I wouldn't do anything behind her back. If it got to that stage I would respect her enough to leave the marriage. If she was agreeable to a different arrangement that would be different. Till I get to that stage, Masturbate away..

 

[deane]

you will always get found out. your parnter will sense there is something different.

 

[stormline]

Through my experience when i was younger and did have my first child to her when i was 17. I found the times i did go with another woman over a 13year period i could never look her in the eye and lie to her.
So when she suspected i did which wasn't very often over that period i would tell her the truth.Though i hurt her very much she did forgive me the few times it happened.
The answer to what i'm saying is once you do it and break a person's trust it is never the same again.
Even though she did forgive me and we had 3 wonderfull boys over that time. We did part ways in the 14th year but it had nothing to do with sex or sex with anybody else.

Some people do have sex with other people in a relationship and do it by themselves. Though i haven't seen to many people in that sort of relationship stay together for along long period.
As i said once that trust is broken it is usually never the same. In my last relationship which lasted about ten years both of us were faithfull to each other and i very much beleive that. We had some mind blowing sex together at least once a day.
Though due to other circumstances i fell out of love with her and to be honest i don't really know when it happened. We did seperate for awhile but as we were also best friends i ended up coming back to help her out with keeping the house.
We only ever stayed really good friends but she always wanted me to go back with her.
Though i didn't we were still there for each other in every way except sex.
She did have a chance to move on when i wasn't here but didn't as she always wanted me bac.I also could of moved on but the lady couldn't except me moving back here even though i told her i was'nt with her. I did understand that though.
Now i question myself wether i should of gone bac with her as she is no longer here, i find my love for her was alot more than i thought. Also when we were together we did every thing together,from 3somes to 4somes ect.We were always very honest with each other and i found that to be the best relationship i was in. We were best friends for 17 years and lovers for about ten.
So i would have to say if you have sex outside a relationship without the other person knowing, You are kidding yourself if you think it's going to last a very long time.
That is only my beleif though but one that stands true in most cases.

 

[CathyDomme]

I heard a definition for cheating once that was "Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your partner standing right next to you". Now I guess that could be expanded to include "or anything you don't have permission to do."

And I would agree with that definition. My last girlfriend and I had a wonderful relationship despite the fact that I didn't feel it appropriate for me to have sex at that stage of my life. She had sex outside of the relationship, but not only would she tell me where and when, I met all but one of her lovers in social situations knowing full well what had, or was about to happen. Because of my own circumstance I doubt the relationship would have lasted if it wasn't for the openness.

For my part it actually made me happier to know that what I couldn't provide for her was being taken care of elsewhere. I guess she fulfilled all of my needs and all I wanted was the same for her.