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Lets share some good jokes to make us smile

Discussion in 'Chit Chat,Gossip & Humor Forum' started by Langtrees @ Darwin, May 21, 2015.

  1. Langtrees @ Darwin

    Langtrees @ Darwin (08) 8914 0058 Legend Member

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    [​IMG]
    Courtney Luper
    Hahaha! This is so funny, I had to share!

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
    WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
    How'd you die?
    SYLVIA: I froze to death.
    WANDA: How horrible!
    SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
    What about you?
    WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
    SYLVIA: So, what happened?
    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
    I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
    I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
    SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
     
    • Like Like x 9
    • Funny Funny x 2
  2. happypirate

    happypirate Old pirate Staff Member Forum Manager

    Posts:
    8,221
    Ahoy;- SPAGHETTI
    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
    If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
    He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
    'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
    On the card was written:
    'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
    Three, with meatballs, two without.
    Send extra sauce !!!!! '

    sp5.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 6
  3. happypirate

    happypirate Old pirate Staff Member Forum Manager

    Posts:
    8,221
    Ahoy;- The Italian

    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

    The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, “You finish?"

    Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".
     
    • Like Like x 10
    • Winner Winner x 1
  4. Terces Erif

    Terces Erif Silver Member

    Posts:
    49
    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
    The girl said "No". And the guy lived happily ever after.....
     
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. bepp

    bepp Feelthy old bugga Legend Member

    Posts:
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    cheesyrdn2.gif cheesyrdn2.gif
     

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    • Like Like x 1
  6. homer

    homer Doh! Legend Member

    Posts:
    6,375
    Bear, Rabbit & Genie.

    One afternoon, a bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods. As the rabbit dove through a bush in an attempt to escape, he collided with an old dusty genie lamp. This tripped him up, which in turn tripped up the bear, and the both of them tumbled down a small hill along with the lamp, which promptly opened.

    The genie turned and saw the two animals, and said, "Clearly, I owe my freedom to you both. Normally, I would grant three wishes and no more, but since you have both helped me, you shall both receive three wishes!"

    The bear shoved the rabbit aside and said, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female!" The genie replied, "Done," and turned to the rabbit.

    The rabbit was deep in thought, and finally said, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet my size." The bear rolled his eyes, thinking, "What a waste of a perfectly good wish!" But the genie simply said, "Done," and a small motorcycle helmet appeared in the rabbit's paws, and he put it on.

    When the genie asked the bear for his second wish, the bear hit himself in the head. "I'm so stupid! Okay, okay-- I wish all the other bears in the whole COUNTRY were female!! Yeah!" The genie smiled, and said, "Done!"

    The rabbit then said, "I wish for a motorcycle sized for me, with a full tank!" And \poof!> the motorcycle appeared. Again, the bear scoffed at the rabbit's obvious short-sightedness.

    Finally, the bear gave his third wish. His eyes went wide and he asked, "Wait. Can you make it so all the other bears in the *world* were female?" The genie said, "Certainly." So the bear wished that and it was granted.

    The rabbit, meanwhile, had mounted his new toy and was revving the engine. He turned to the genie, pointed at the bear and said, "I wish he was gay," and sped off!
     
    • Like Like x 6
  7. homer

    homer Doh! Legend Member

    Posts:
    6,375
    Chinese sick leave
    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house...
     
    • Like Like x 5
  8. Langtrees @ Darwin

    Langtrees @ Darwin (08) 8914 0058 Legend Member

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    949
    hahahahaha thats a good one
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. happypirate

    happypirate Old pirate Staff Member Forum Manager

    Posts:
    8,221
    The Italian Mistress

    An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," she replies.
     
    • Like Like x 8
  10. Langtrees @ Darwin

    Langtrees @ Darwin (08) 8914 0058 Legend Member

    Posts:
    949
    [​IMG]
     
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  11. Timboh66

    Timboh66 Gold Member

    Posts:
    357
    A young, newly married Italian couple spend their first night together, at the bride's mother's home.

    They say goodnight and go upstairs to bed.

    The husband removes his shirt to display a very hairy chest.

    Wife runs downstairs and says "mama, mama he has a very hairy chest" the mother replies "don't worry Maria, he is a good Italian husband" and the wife returns to the bedroom.

    The husband then removes his pants to display very hairy legs.

    Wife runs downstairs and says "mama, mama he has very hairy legs" the mother replies "don't worry Maria, he is a good Italian husband" and the wife returns to bedroom.

    The husband then removes his shoes and socks to display the fact that he has a deformed foot, half the length it should be.

    Wife runs downstairs and says "mama, mama he has a foot and a half" the mother replies "Stand aside Maria, this is a job for Mama!".
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. Jake "monas"

    Jake "monas" Silver Member

    Posts:
    105
    A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  13. brucewillis

    brucewillis Bronze Member

    Posts:
    4
    Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
     
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  14. XLNC

    XLNC Whatever happened to FREE love? Legend Member

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    3,498
    I always knew it: bruce willis is a girl!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. PercyP

    PercyP Silver Member

    Posts:
    121
    A very wealthy young man was juggling three girlfriends all of whom thought they were in an exclusive relationship. He decided that the situation was getting too stressful and that he should gain a little maturity and settle down with one of them. Trouble is, he didn't know which one to choose.
    He decided to give them a test. Each one was given a cheque for $20,000 and three weeks later he asked them what they had done with the money.
    The first one said her uncle was a stockbroker and he had helped her to invest the money in stocks and bonds to ensure their future prosperity together.
    The second one had booked a cruise on the love boat for them both which was the romantic thing she could think of.
    The third had put her money in to accounts at her clothing store and beauticians so that she could always look her best for him.


    Which one did he marry?




    The one with the big tits.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. homer

    homer Doh! Legend Member

    Posts:
    6,375
    So do they need to change the movie title to "The last girl scout." With Bruce in pony tails? :eek:
     
  17. Phoebe

    Phoebe Legend Member

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    4,561
    • Like Like x 1
  18. homer

    homer Doh! Legend Member

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    6,375
    Little Johnny walked into class sporting a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, “How did you get that?” Little Johnny explained “Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad all have to sleep in the same bed. Last night my dad asked, ‘Johnny are you sleeping?’ When I said ‘No’, he slapped my face and gave me a black eye.”

    The teacher said, “The next time your dad asks if you’re sleeping, keep dead quiet and don’t answer.” The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes. The teacher, by now very worried, asked, “My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing.”

    Johnny replied, “Dad asked me again, ‘Johnny are you sleeping?’ and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know, at the same time, and mum was breathing heavily, kicking her legs about and squealing like a hyena. Then my dad asked mum, ‘Are you coming?’ Mum said, ‘Yes I’m coming, are you coming too?’ Dad answered, ‘Yes!’

    They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, “Wait for me, I’m coming too…”
     
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  19. Sharaz

    Sharaz Gold Member

    Posts:
    235
    got a laugh out of some of these too :)
     
  20. Suzette

    Suzette Silver Member

    Posts:
    38
    Well said drew a laugh from me
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  21. MikeB

    MikeB Legend Member

    Posts:
    825
    Not a joke, but this still made me smile, hope others may find it amusing also

    So.......

    Had a giggle at the end of a very pleasant session visiting a favourite lady, when before leaving , I ended up helping her polish an application for a "day job" at Bras & Things :D

    For certain logical reasons, she explained that she needs to get a day job while continuing her night engagements..... So, when she saw one for a sales assistant at a nearby Bras & Thing she identified this as a possibility and asked me to help with her application ......

    She felt that her sexy curvy form and obsession for sexy lingerie perfectly qualified her to understand the psyche of females customers when they are lusting for products in the collection. :D So task 1 how to get this across......

    As well her "night job" perfectly qualified her alternative appreciation of the male psyche when looking for presents from the product line...:angelic:. (I had to counsel her not to include this as part of the application directly, but showed her how to infer this attribute more subtly;) )

    As an added bonus she may get a staff discount to help lessen the financial impact of her own obsession with sexy lingerie....:cool:. I am all for that as she does look so sexy in her collection, especially the red ones (and even better as I get her out of them ;):excited: )


    This made me laugh, I hope others will also find it a somewhat unusual, but amusing, way to end a punt.... :D
     
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  22. Madam Riah

    Madam Riah Forum Manager

    Posts:
    236

    love it !!!!!! hahahhaahha

    and the girl lived also happily ever after , did what she wanted, when she wanted and had no one to answer to in her own castle with her own money and took care of herself .... :)
     
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