When there is no passion....

[Minxxy]

Hey y'all

Havent been around for ages - been dating a nice young man and staying out of mischief But I needed some opinions about and so came back to the old stomping ground for advice.

Ive been seeing this guy for about 6 months and our relationship is, in my words, boring. We see each other twice a week, we go out to shows and dinners, we have vanilla sex... and thats it. I love him, dont get me wrong. But there is no excitement or passion. He is slightly open minded to some of my kinkiness, but is on the whole an inexperienced shy man who doesnt like porn, thinks coming on a girl's face is demeaning, and whose idea of a wild night is me naked in high heels and missionary sex. Now my back story is that I am used to passion- both in the bedroom and out. Im a passionate and adventurous lover and a fighter and I am used to tumultuous and highly emotive relationships. And this one... well it is just flatlining.

A few friends have said this is what all normal relationships are like and I should give it time. They also mention that the passion fades over time anyways and so I should focus on the great qualities of this man and that he treats me right...

Am I over-thinking the situation, or should I opt out for someone who makes my tummy do backflips and makes me want to tear their clothes off?

Thanks everyone

Minxxy xo

 

[viper]

It would seem to me maybe its time to show him what you like in regards to sex life etc. He may be shy but you can help him come out of his shell a little bit. I think emotion is good but to much passion can lead to some really heated disagreements. I think maybe show him some passion in the bedroom area and move from there. He may take time or not be into it at all.

 

[Minxxy]

Thanks Viper for the advice
I have tried to inject some spice - I tried porn (fail), have put on outfits he likes, bought couples sex toys etc, and it all leads to missionary sex. I am finding the more I take the lead, the more submissive he becomes and the more I end up having to initiate and dominate. If I dont initiate the sex, it usually doesnt happen. Which I find exceptionally frustrating. I have never met a man before who didnt jump on the kinky wagon with me and hold my hand for the ride - this guys seems to be staring out the window vacantly as I do all the driving...

 

[viper]

Tell him what you want but put a number ,a goal on it. Say he has to initiate sex at least twice in a week and he must use at least 2 different positions not missionary. So basically give him criteria to satisfy. Then if successful build on that say he must add one kinky idea one sex toy etc.

 

[Minxxy]

Thanks Viper
Will give it a shot

 

[viper]

Good luck to you Minxxy.

 

[JustAndy]

here is my 5cent worth,
First of all, Does this guy make you happy when u are with him? if so, have u tall to him about your needs? I believe if someone really like u, then they should try to make an effort to please you.
However, this guy doesn't seem to be a good fit for u. and yes i know u loose a bit of the passion in a relationship in time, but there should alway be passion in a relationship or else it's just boring and there no incentive to live? Personally I would talk to him first n if he isnt will to change, then it's time to move on. your doing all the work!
P.S. I wish I had someone like you who share the love of the bedroom

 

[Minxxy]

Thanks JustAndy
He does make me happy but he doesn't set me on fire. My conundrum is do I give this nice guy a chance or risk ending it and ending up with another asshole who is wild in the sack?
We definitely are mismatched sexually but I find it very hard to meet partners who stimulate me on an intellectual level, which he certainly does. I just don't want a life where I'm reliant on my vibrator and porn, and perpetually thinking about cheating. I just want a rocket up his ass you know - fuck me and dominate me and talk dirty to me. Not too much to ask in my opinion...

 

[svengali]

Ah, Minxy: You have just triggered the eternal lament of the "nice guy".

Why is it that an unshaven, sloppily dressed loud-mouthed ruffian with an arrogant, domineering manner has to fight the ladies off while the well-groomed and nice-mannered guy sits in the corner on his own??

My guess is that your guy was raised by parents who were possibly overprotective but instilled in him an innate respect for women. Quite possibly he is not as well-informed about sex as some and certainly not as adventurous with it as you are. It wouldn't surprise me if you are his "first". If you are used to "heavier" treatment he may seem bland but long-term may well be a better father and breadwinner than a self-centred sex machine.

My advice, for what it is worth, is persevere with him. Let him know what you want (we men are pretty thick about reading women) and challenge him to step outside his comfort zone. Ideally, there should be a bit of give and take but if wild sex is really important to you then he needs to know it is time to step up and deliver.

 

[Minxxy]

Hey Svengali

Your wisdom is always welcome.
I dont want to perpetuate the "nice guys finish last" conundrum but unfortunately it seems I am. Note I don't find unshaven and sloppily dressed men attractive, but yeah the arrogance and foul mouth is appealing. I mean whose going to talk dirty to me - a shy quiet man who can barely say 'fuck' without blushing, or a rough dickhead who says 'cunt' a lot...

Yes my boy was raised well by over-protective Christian parents. He appears to be adventurous, but will never follow through on the acts he seems interested in. He has said I am not his first, but I agree with you that it may be a lie. I think it only compounds the problem that I am a bit of a ball busting career woman and he is a writer who earns half what I do, despite his objections to the contrary. It is frustrating feeling like the man in the relationship

I will have a chat with him as tactfully as I can and lay it out there. Who knows - it may be a bit much and he leave and end up with a quiet girl who likes missionary sex once a week. But if I dont say something, I cant whinge can I....

Thanks again everyone

Minxxy xoxox

 

[BeastyBoy]

I think you should just hang in there Minxxy, my wife and I went through a similar period. Turns out it was work stressing the crap out of me - maybe there is something more to it?

 

[aussie_single34]

I could come round and tie him to a chair and then you to the bed.. .and he could watch me make you scream and wriggle
That might get him activated... haha

Seriously... keep at it if he makes you happy... but in the end... if it doesn't turn around soon you might need to bail

Some of us outwardly nice guys are dirty little devients
You just need to check underneath the covers first sometimes

Best of luck

 

[AlexandraSilk]

Hi Minxxy

Often people ask for others view on a subject just to justify the decision they have already made.

 

[WRXXR]

Nice guys dont finish last Minxxy, blokes lacking confidence do. Simple as that.

Can i suggest DO NOT put a "number" on it because that will just pressure him more and leaving him stressing, especially since you have far more varied experiences and he may not. That could possibly be a lot of concern for him.

Perhaps start at the very basic's and ease in to it slowly? Join him in the shower, give him head while he's driving (100% somewhere you wont get caught) just to ease him into it slowly.

Generally sleeping with the same person becomes boring after a couple of years but at 6 months it should be often. Sounds like he lacks confidence in the bedroom. Finding a way to build that confidence slowly and without pressuring him is the key

 

[antonov]

Maybe you could try a slightly different approach. He is a "nice guy", why not be a "nice girl"? I started off as a nice guy too (like to think I still am!) but I reckon I'd could give you a run for your money now! I think maybe it is a combination of shyness, not wanting to appear awkward or inexperienced, not wanting to do something that in your mind might get you labelled a pervert or a sexual deviant later on.

Maybe if you were a little bit shy and gentle with him, eased into things a bit, let him take his time, as WRXXR suggests catch him at odd moments, sit on his lap (can't missionary there), maybe get a couple of drinks into him (assuming he does), back off on the hard-core porn (believe it or not, nice guys can actually find it a bit of a turn off!) and maybe find something a bit more "arty".......

 

[Minxxy]

Hey all

Thanks for the great advice
We had a D&M today and he said he was lacking confidence and said he would try and not be needy when it came to needing a green light to get it on. We talked about dominance and turns ons and signals and funnily enough, after this most serious conversation where contemplated the pros and cons of staying together, we had awesome sex!
I think it's gonna be baby steps for a little bit but I'm determined to unleash the tiger inside him!

Some great advice though - I think I'll lay off the porn (in his presence anyway), and WRXXR starting with the basics is a great option. I guess if he feels comfortable with me exploring with him, hopefully he'll be comfortable exploring with me.

I'm not usually this weird about dating but I'm so used to being with guys who are... Well more like all you! Haha. I guess a change will be good for maybe. Maybe he can tame me a little

Thanks

 

[Minxxy]

Hi Minxxy

Often people ask for others view on a subject just to justify the decision they have already made.

Honestly open minded AlexandraSilk.
I've never been in a situation where I'm dating a guy who has what appears to be a lower sex drive and/or less confidence in exploring their sexuality. I have no qualms about ending a relationship if it isn't working or persevering if I have hope it can work. But when I'm in the dark, I ask for advice so I can learn from the experience of others...

 

[WRXXXR]

Hey all

Thanks for the great advice
We had a D&M today and he said he was lacking confidence and said he would try and not be needy when it came to needing a green light to get it on. We talked about dominance and turns ons and signals and funnily enough, after this most serious conversation where contemplated the pros and cons of staying together, we had awesome sex!
I think it's gonna be baby steps for a little bit but I'm determined to unleash the tiger inside him!

Some great advice though - I think I'll lay off the porn (in his presence anyway), and WRXXR starting with the basics is a great option. I guess if he feels comfortable with me exploring with him, hopefully he'll be comfortable exploring with me.

I'm not usually this weird about dating but I'm so used to being with guys who are... Well more like all you! Haha. I guess a change will be good for maybe. Maybe he can tame me a little

Thanks

All great news. Its just a matter of building his confidence up.

Put yourself in his shoes with very little sexual confidence. Now imagine getting involved with someone who likes things on the kinkier side, is attractive and has lots more experience. All pretty nerve racking for blokes.

I was seeing a girl with similiar likes as yourself. Really pretty girl. First time i slept with her i went soft within 30seconds through worry about how big i was or how good i was! I really felt humiliated and embarrassed. Goodness knows how, but the stars aligned a few days later we sat down, she made me laugh (super important when having D&M's i believe) and then i made up for my previous effort.

 

[viper]

Thats a great result. It also shows he can do great sex making you more secure to try to put continued effort into the relationship.

 

[Rochelle]

Hi Minxxy,
happy to hear that you and your man had a great night together. After reading the posts to this thread I am glad that you give him a chance. It might be baby steps but I do believe there is a sexual animal in every person. Some people need ages to discover it some people probably never experience it. (6 months is not a long time at all.....I know of a couple who is working on their different sex drives for years)
I am sure you are a great teacher.
Good luck and lot's of fun discovering 'his animal'.:hello:

R.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Minxxy]

Thanks Rochelle
Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for
Let's hope he appreciates my efforts!