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The Importance of Trust and Safewords.

Dez

Dez

...the floor is lava
Legend Member
Sometimes things don't go as expected or they don't play out as we imagine. As we build them up in anticipation.

M and I have been playing for many years together to varying degrees of intensity and involvement. It is because we have been that each time we do, I can with utmost respect and trust in him and what it is that we do. Even so, after our years together, we are still learning. There can be many different influential factors that heighten or dampen expectations, and even with our experience of playing together we are no exception. We are not perfect.

We also don't get to put in as much time with pain play, as much as we would like. It is a small part of our relationship, but one that we enjoy. It seems though at times that because it can seem like a long time between sessions that (my) expectations can sometime become a focus by which at times are unmet.

This has been due to various reasons, and each time I learn something new about us, my body, my mind and my capabilities. Sometimes I learn very positive awesome things, and sometimes the things I learn make me feel very dark.

So in a very recent session I learned that the importance of my body language can be more valuable in our play than words.

I became stuck for words, and fell quite far from my happy floaty headspace which didn't trigger fear.... it triggered guilt. I was finding the session to be quite hard on my body, and was able to surrender to it because I wanted to, and wanted to be able to. I enjoy pushing myself and being pushed.

We started normally, with the usually cheeky banter warm up with a hiccup here and there from me twisting my wrist in the cuff and getting hilariously stuck. It's never dignified to laugh uncontrollably while being beaten. I stress the word uncontrollably... But we sailed into a nice rhythm and everything was going well. Happy days.

When I started to feel my body straining to receive the whip I adore, I knew it wouldn't be long before I'd have to shuffle about in some sort of protest, or as I usually do, I wait for him to check in with me. I didn't want to though... I wanted to be able to keep going.

In that moment the focus of what we were doing completely changed. I stopped listening to my body, and I stopped taking comfort in the whip and I let my mind talk me out of my happy place. I lost focus.

The moments rolled, the whip kept stinging and I stubbornly fought inside my own head to be able to continue. I grew weaker, everything started to hurt more, and then I horrifically could feel my hands tingly and numbing as the cuffs bit into me from the pressure of my grip. Then I panicked. Silently.

I held it in for a few more cracks, but the moment I realised I was through I burst into (spontaneous) tears.

He stopped.

I wept harder. I wasn't crying because it hurt, I cried because I felt guilty for not being able to continue. I hated that I was going to ruin our evening, and waste our opportunity to play. I felt like a failure and that I'd let him down. It is gut wrenchingly unbearable to feel that way, doing something we love. I didn't wanted to say I was done... I just couldn't...

Its really easy, to get so caught up in all the really awesome happy things we forget that sometimes, we're not going to always have a "perfect play".

I wanted to share this here as a point of discussion.

What kind of fumbles have you had during a scene or during play, and how was it handled?
How important are Safewords in what you do, if you use them?
How do you negotiate play with a play partner?
 
People who engage in BDSM activities explore the capabilities of the human body experiencing pleasure and pain. Doms and subs use a range of tools and methods which can range from mild to extreme. The level of trust between the two who engage in these activities is vital to the safety of their practices. It takes time to build the kind of trust needed in order to be able to grow to new playing levels. Building trust within a BDSM dynamic takes practice in learning your partner and his or her limits. Being able to read their body responses and gauging their ability and yours to continue in a scene. One of the most effective method while learning is using a safeword.

A safeword is a randomly chosen word which is non-personal that can easily be remembered and used when the time comes. The function of the safeword is to be able to stop the scene immediately to prevent injury or damage to the psych of the sub. Safewords function as a safety net to explore limits and boundaries within the capabilities of the participatants. It is important to know your safeword and be able to communicate it if the need arises. Some BDSM play can include rough play where specific words might give the illusion of non consent, like the word "NO" or "STOP" but are however part of the scene being played out. This is why it is commonplace to have safeword that are random and not tied to the moment eg; Banana, Rose, Raccoon, etc...

A good Dom will check in with his subordinate through a scene to see how he/she is coping. Doesn't have to be too obvious, or clinical. Just takes a few seconds to lightly whisper to her and make sure she's still verbally responsive and able to continue. The sensations and emotions that occur throughout the body during play vary from sub to sub, and taking the time to check in is a great way to practice your BDSM while strengthening the bond you have with your sub.
One popular safe word method is the traffic light system. It sets a scale in which he or she can communicate verbally where they are "at" in the scene.

Simply;
GREEN- Yes I like this, Keep going,
YELLOW- Slow down- usually a good indicate to change pace, change toy, or just do something different.
RED- Stop.

So, when is a good time to use a safeword? If you were feeling scared, unsafe, unwell, can't physically take anymore, you're not enjoying what is going on, when the scene has pushed a limit passed your boundary. Or you just need to stop.
 
images
What about these parties? I think swingers do it too
 
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Participating within the bounds of kink in the SSC framework of BDSM is when you are first introduced and exposed, It's there so you don't take risks you aren't ready to accept and also gain important experiences you will need to draw from if you decide to attempt other, more risky forms of play.
'Always make it a point to be as informed as you possibly can about any risk you take'​

Safe:
attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health,
Sane:
activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind, and
Consensual:
all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved, but note that legal consent may not create a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused and that, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm in English law.

Controversy surrounding SSC is often criticized as the core principles are considered highly subjective and open to interpretation; "How safe is safe enough" is a legitimate question. Further, the argument can be made that nothing at all is inherently safe, as even a morning shower poses some inherent risk of immediate death, which points to the need to gauge risk in order to have informed levels of consent. Further, arguments about the subjectivity of sanity due to relativistic things like cultural background, and consent being subjective because of lack of omniscience and always including some level of risk and unknown.
 
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Dez said:
Sometimes things don't go as expected or they don't play out as we imagine. As we build them up in anticipation.

M and I have been playing for many years together to varying degrees of intensity and involvement. It is because we have been that each time we do, I can with utmost respect and trust in him and what it is that we do. Even so, after our years together, we are still learning. There can be many different influential factors that heighten or dampen expectations, and even with our experience of playing together we are no exception. We are not perfect.

We also don't get to put in as much time with pain play, as much as we would like. It is a small part of our relationship, but one that we enjoy. It seems though at times that because it can seem like a long time between sessions that (my) expectations can sometime become a focus by which at times are unmet.

This has been due to various reasons, and each time I learn something new about us, my body, my mind and my capabilities. Sometimes I learn very positive awesome things, and sometimes the things I learn make me feel very dark.

So in a very recent session I learned that the importance of my body language can be more valuable in our play than words.

I became stuck for words, and fell quite far from my happy floaty headspace which didn't trigger fear.... it triggered guilt. I was finding the session to be quite hard on my body, and was able to surrender to it because I wanted to, and wanted to be able to. I enjoy pushing myself and being pushed.

We started normally, with the usually cheeky banter warm up with a hiccup here and there from me twisting my wrist in the cuff and getting hilariously stuck. It's never dignified to laugh uncontrollably while being beaten. I stress the word uncontrollably... But we sailed into a nice rhythm and everything was going well. Happy days.

When I started to feel my body straining to receive the whip I adore, I knew it wouldn't be long before I'd have to shuffle about in some sort of protest, or as I usually do, I wait for him to check in with me. I didn't want to though... I wanted to be able to keep going.

In that moment the focus of what we were doing completely changed. I stopped listening to my body, and I stopped taking comfort in the whip and I let my mind talk me out of my happy place. I lost focus.

The moments rolled, the whip kept stinging and I stubbornly fought inside my own head to be able to continue. I grew weaker, everything started to hurt more, and then I horrifically could feel my hands tingly and numbing as the cuffs bit into me from the pressure of my grip. Then I panicked. Silently.

I held it in for a few more cracks, but the moment I realised I was through I burst into (spontaneous) tears.

He stopped.

I wept harder. I wasn't crying because it hurt, I cried because I felt guilty for not being able to continue. I hated that I was going to ruin our evening, and waste our opportunity to play. I felt like a failure and that I'd let him down. It is gut wrenchingly unbearable to feel that way, doing something we love. I didn't wanted to say I was done... I just couldn't...

Its really easy, to get so caught up in all the really awesome happy things we forget that sometimes, we're not going to always have a "perfect play".

I wanted to share this here as a point of discussion.

What kind of fumbles have you had during a scene or during play, and how was it handled?
How important are Safewords in what you do, if you use them?
How do you negotiate play with a play partner? [/QUOT]

Hi Dez, I'm Daz, how's it crackin'? I have just this morning addressed this very same issue on another forum , where a thread I posted on wet play has recieved a great deal of attention in an extreme short time. I think I might take a screenshot and upload it for you and other potential participants, mainly because most become attracted through viewing porn and except for a very few hardcore enthusiasts it is a game of trust and expectation, rather than compliance. I'll load it up right now. X . I came about this knowledge because I cared deeply for the woman/women that not only allowed and facilitated my desire,but willingly as happily participated knowing that it was more than a puff or line and a
$1000 pay day for a couple hours of degradation. What say you?
Click to expand...
 
Sorry, new here. My reply is at the end of your post. Oh O, spaghettio. ;-)
 
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