• If you are having any problems posting threads plz message Kate. since latest update we have had 6 members with problems, sorted those but yet to find the problem.

FAQ – Can’t be bothered looking it up, just tell me!!!

AndyRew00

AndyRew00

Hercules
Diamond Member
Frequently asked questions (FAQ) or Questions and Answers (Q&A), are listed questions and answers, all supposed to be commonly asked in some context, and pertaining to a particular topic. The format is commonly used on email mailing lists and other online forums, where certain common questions tend to recur.
 
Last edited:
Whats a Contract?

1-Front-Cover.jpg Table-of-Contents.jpg Introduction.jpg Bonus-Clauses-Page.jpg

A detailed legal-style contract to negotiate and formalize your BDSM relationship. Set down your goals, desires, boundaries and limits. Suitable for all levels of BDSM (training to long term partners).

All the important relationship formalities are covered including rights, responsibilities, limits, punishment, communication, areas of control & more.

When entering into a D/s or M/s relationships, it’s important to discuss your goals, needs, desires and boundaries. The negotiation process is a great way to open up communication. This document is designed to help you talk about all the important aspects of your relationship. Personalize it to suit your unique arrangement.

Make it as fun, hot, strict (even TPE) or as lenient as you like.

Written by an attorney, this contract is ideal for giving moral binding authority to your arrangement.

Please note: Contracts for BDSM relationships/activities are not legally enforceable, not even if written especially for you by your attorney. Although the BDSM Contract is drafted by an attorney with the look and feel of a legal document, it is intended for entertainment purposes only and it is NOT legally binding.

About D/s relationships
A Dominant/submissive relationship requires faithful submission from the sub and loving guidance from the Dom. This type of arrangement is more lenient than a Master/slave power exchange because the sub may stipulate limits to the Dom or Domme’s authority. However, this doesn’t mean that a D/s arrangement is any less meaningful.

The D/s relationship is a very popular arrangement which exists in the BDSM lifestyle. It signifies a deep commitment between the parties however the submission is not as intense as a total power exchange. This is because the sub retains the right to govern whichever aspects of his/her life they wish and the right to place limits on play and punishment. In effect, unlike a Master or Mistress, the Dominant is restricted as to what He/She can do with the sub.

Areas that are Off Limits
Since a submissive has the freedom to make choices in respect of areas which are “off limits” this should be reflected in any document that is signed. The wording doesn’t usually say “the Dominant will not have control over…” or “the girl has the right to control these areas….”. The clauses are typically drafted to sound as though the Dom/Domme is empowered rather than being stripped off His/Her powers. So the off-limit areas (don’t confuse this with hard/soft sexual limits) are not usually mentioned at all. Instead, the document stipulates clearly what parts the Dom/Domme does have control over. For example “He shall have the ability to control and make decisions with respect to the following aspects of the sub’s life”.

Limiting Control
Of course, drafting the clause in a general sense will give the Her more flexibility with decision making. For example saying the Domme has the power and responsibility to look after the slave’s health and fitness gives Her a wide scope of control. Under such a clause, She could make the sub train five times a week in intense classes, eat a strict vegetable only diet and punish him if he slip up even a little.
If you don’t wish to give the Dom all decision making power over a certain issue then you can still Him some control by creating a specific clause which you both agree on from the outset. For example the clause can stipulate that the submissive must participate in two aerobic sessions per week and weight training once per week. This way the sub is still under control but to a lesser and more bearable extent. If you are worried about handing over total control, then the degree of domination must be made clear in your contract.

Play time
A thorough agreement will have limits and safe words, which essentially give subs the power over play. Hard limits are those which the girl/boy will never agree to. This could be anything from anal play to fisting. If a Dom tries something which is listed as a hard limit, this can irreparably break the trust between the parties and may even result in ending the relationship. Soft limits are those activities which the sub is willing to consider engaging in as long as they are warned or enter into a discussion about them beforehand. They can always say no after the warning or discussion. A proper covenant will list and define exactly what each of the hard and soft limits means and what the Dom needs to do/refrain from doing. An alteration clause enables the parties to add/delete limits.

Covenants on safety
As for safe words, a sub will usually have the right to stop play for any reason just by calling a word that is agreed upon. Some covenants have a second safeword to signify that the sub wishes the Dom to reduce the intensity of their actions, but not stop things completely. Unlike subs, some slaves don’t believe in having limits and some even refuse to agree on a safe word. Their rationale is that they trust Master/Mistress completely and they believe there shouldn’t be any constraints imposed on His/Her ability to take charge. This isn’t the case in D/s contracts because play and methods of punishment are curtailed by the sub from the outset.

Being a sub
Just because subs retain some decision making power doesn’t mean they have less desire to serve than a slave. D/s relationships in no way show lack of commitment or devotion toward Him/Her. They are still a very legitimate BDSM arrangement, one which may even last longer than a slave situation if the slave struggles to give up total power. Either way, you should know your own abilities and boundaries in deciding whether you wish to retain some control or whether you are prepared to submit your whole self. Both ways can be very rewarding; you just need to discuss and negotiate your intentions from the start.
 
Last edited:
How Do I Find A Munch?

Many kinky social networks like
FetLife
will have local event calendars that will indicate to you what is going on in your area, and many of these things will be munches. Further, there is a wonderful resource which will also have a different database of munches called
Findamunch.com
Between those two resources you should be able to find something in your region, though depending on how secluded of an area you live in you may have to travel a bit.
 
What is the difference between a Kink and a Fetish?

In modern vernacular these two terms are often used interchangeably, however, traditionally a sexualized kink is considered to be a term used to refer to a playful usage of sexual concepts which are overt, accentuated, unambiguously expressive of sexuality. A sexualized fetish is traditionally considered an object or situation of interest that causes sexual arousal. There is sometimes an implied notion that a kink was something done for casual fun, while a fetish would indicate a form of requirement for sexual arousal.

Best Practices indicate that if you aren't sure how someone is using a term when multiple definitions may apply, that you politely ask them to clarify in what way they are using the term.
 
I have dark fantasies of some kind, sometimes they even scare me, does that make me a bad person?

Nope. Not even a little. As a matter of fact, tons of people that are honest with themselves will come to terms with this side of themselves in an adult fashion and be happy to inform you that you aren't alone, and that it's all about how you act on those fantasies that makes a difference. The key thing is that you too come to accept these fantasies as part of yourself and that you are a great person regardless, even if you choose to live out some of them in consenting and risk aware circumstances.

Some things, for many folks are best left to pure fantasy, and if they even did get the opportunity to live it out, would find that they didn't enjoy it the way they did in the fantasy even a little bit, not because anything went wrong, but because sometimes fantasy is exactly that, strictly fantasy.

Other times a person may find that exploring a fantasy can lead to a great new space of growth for them as a person and lead to enriching relationships and a rewarding lifestyle. There's no real way to tell except to ask if that's something you really want to do. If not, probably best to leave it as fantasy. If you do want to try it, find a consenting partner you can trust and see if you can Negotiate your scene with them. The important thing is to try to grow past your shame, that isn't really helping you accomplish anything or get anywhere as a person, it just sort of makes you feel bad about the things you'd like to be doing and aren't even doing necessarily.

It's also important to be aware of Sub drop and Top drop as well, as at times shame can creep in as a part of a depressive chemical reaction in the body after you have an intense scene. Knowing how to deal with drop can indeed have a severe impact on your productivity and positive feelings as a human being.
 
Dominants just seem like jerks that boss people around, who would really want spend all day slaving for someone like that?

That's more of a question about you than a question about other people and presumes that romantic partners are not to be trusted with great responsibilities.

Frankly, some people are happiest serving others and your opinions about how that's not for you won't even begin to alter their views. The key thing here is that you aren't understanding their view, not that their view is impossible, and thus you must learn to accept the possibility first, and then seek to understand it. Try asking open ended questions from someone who is very happy and experienced submitting and they might be able to help you understand why it is a positive experience for them.

It's good to mention that being turned off to the idea of submission does not necessarily make one a dominant, however. While some people feel as though they are born with S-type mentalities and come to realize this at a very early age, by and large many people struggle with submission or surrender at first because of societal programming, and more importantly, because they can't envision what the type of person they would submit to would be like because they haven't encountered that kind of person yet and can't even imagine the possibility because the concept is still too alien to understand.

Dominants also tend to have a lot more going on than just bossing people around and being jerks. There's a whole side to being dominant that is full of tons of work and personal growth and investment, as well as investment in the s-type that is serving them. That might not readily be apparent as any person can claim to practice domination and instead simply be domineering, and that is subtle line for most new folks to grasp, but one that is readily visible to those with much experience practicing BDSM.

It's important to remember that people that choose to consciously engage in Power exchange relationships are engaging in an exchange, which means that the s-type is getting something they have decided they need in exchange for what they are providing. That sort of exchange may never be for you, but if you want to understand it, it's best to talk with those who live that way as a matter of lifestyle and discover what it is that appeals about it to them, not only so that you can hear their words, but hear their confidence and happiness with their relationship choices.
 
Do dominants really love and care for their submissives?

Many and even most that engage in power exchange relationships tend to have what they would describe as an intimate and loving relationship, however, this is not always the case. In some cases power exchange relationships are purely a matter of service orientation, one providing submission, the other providing dominance, each a specific service. While that might seem strange to someone that is seeking a loving relationship and has very traditionally egalitarian views of relationships, keep in mind that these people have decided that is what they wanted and are able to decide for themselves as adults what it is that they are agreeing to through use of informed consent.

Some people specifically don't want a loving relationship. Further, many couples that don't practice power exchange also have loveless dynamics and have their reasons for staying in those relationships whether you agree with that idea or not. The important thing to remember in this situation is that if you are considering entering into a power exchange relationship with someone that you communicate your wants and needs very clearly to them, and if love and intimacy are a part of that you need to make sure they know that so they can decide if this is something they want too.

If you don't tell them what you want, do you expect that they should know to read your mind to be able to know just what it is that you want? Oftentimes good communication skills can help to decide if a relationships is compatible, and if it is, that it remains rewarding for all parties.
 
How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop?

What is too far? According to Best Practices, there are three things that are "too far". While your personal boundaries may be more conservative, please consider these a good measure of what too far might look like.
  • Acting without explicit, informed Consent of all involved parties
  • Causing permanent and/or severe damage or death, even with consent.
  • Performing an act with someone or something unable to reasonably give informed consent (such as with someone severely intoxicated).
  • Making unplanned visits to jail/prison, the morgue, the hospital, or the psyche ward as a result of BDSM activities.
While it is entirely possible you are the next serial killer that will terrorize your region, however, chances are if you are worried about that, you have a good degree of empathy and aren't a total sociopath. Then again, if you are really, really worried you might do something awful, please do seek professional help immediately and do not engage in any sort of BDSM activity until you are deemed emotionally well balanced enough to participate in risk taking behaviors.

If you're not so worried about it once you've considered if you should be rushed to the psych ward as a potential harm to yourself and others, consider you may just be afraid about the unknown. Start by taking a few breaths, relax for a minute, and then see what you can do to start learning and broadening your perspectives.

Some things you might want to do to start that process:
  • Write out your feelings on the subject until you run out of thoughts
  • Rate your feelings according to dialectic theory, analyze your results
  • Research and study Best practices in what you'd like to do and learn how not to injure someone seriously while practicing BDSM.
  • Have a spotter or dungeon monitor to watch over you. Be sure to inform everyone participating of your perceived risk.
  • Start Low and slow, take very small steps forward to build confidence in your abilities.
 
What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff and I don't want to have sex anymore?

Oftentimes people that are new to kink will have all kinds of worries and unreal expectations and often may experience frenzy in which they do nothing but completely immerse themselves in the lifestyle of BDSM entirely, however, this does pass, eventually the person regains their wits, and indeed starts to enjoy kink as an aspect of their life (to varying degrees depending on the individual) and not necessarily their sole purpose for being.

Once that happens a lot of the mystique of BDSM fades away and life will resume, just now with a little extra Kink. Adding kink to the mix of one's life does not at all mean subtracting Vanilla sex, many involved in practicing BDSM also consider themselves to be part of Sex positive culture and report better perceived sexual health after they became involved with BDSM.
 
Last edited:
What if I become a sex addict?

Enjoyment of a lot of sex or BDSM, or a combination is not considered a disorder by the DSMV, however, repeatedly participating in an act that causes distress or disrupts ones ability to have day to day function is. The addition of BDSM into a sexual toolbox of an individual is in not directly connected to whether or not someone is prone to sexual addiction, however someone that is a sex addict is likely to be more attracted to the higher risk activities involved in BDSM. What this means is, if you are a person who's sexual lifestyle disrupts their regular life, kink is likely to offer you more exciting opportunities to disrupt your life, however, if you are not a person that is inclined to sexually addictive behaviors, BDSM is not going to suddenly turn you into a sex addict.
 
Last edited:
Beginners Guide (Remember is a Guide)

While fetish fashions like leather corsets and collars are fairly common in mainstream culture, BDSM—the subculture that created these fashions—remains a mystery to most people. Our customers questions range from "Doesn't that hurt?" to "Am I normal for wanting to do this?" We'll answer these and a host of other common questions about BDSM in this beginner's guide.

What’s BDSM Stand for, Anyway?

First, let's define BDSM. It's a fairly recent term that encompasses consensual explorations of sensation and/or power dynamics. Categories like Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism are part of BDSM and can include acts like biting, spanking, tying up your partner, wearing nipple clamps, playing with sensations like ice cubes and hot wax, making use of blindfolds and gags, and role-playing, such as partners taking on dominant and submissive roles.

The most common question we hear is "But why would anyone like pain?" Remember that BDSM is an exploration of erotic sensation. Being blindfolded and tied up while your partner massages your shoulders and then drips hot wax on your back is a very different experience than visiting the dentist for that long overdue cleaning. When aroused, our bodies process sensations differently, and sometimes a bite or a spank can suddenly feel exquisite.

People love BDSM because it gets their motors revving. It's fun, exciting, and it feels good. It can be an emotional thrill, a great way to reinvigorate a relationship, or to connect with a partner and create intimacy. BDSM isn't just a different kind of sex. Elements of BDSM that make you hot can be incorporated into your current sexual repertoire.

"Safe, Sane, and Consensual"

That’s the motto of the BDSM community. While a BDSM exchange can look intimidating, it's important to know that the people involved have talked beforehand and decided what they would like to experience together It's this process that clearly separates BDSM from abuse. Communication and consent are the tools that people who enjoy BDSM use to keep themselves and their partners safe.

Some people are afraid that if they consent to some aspect of BDSM play, they'll never be able to say “no” if they decide they don't like spanking or bondage after all. Remember that you are in complete control of how you act on your desires. And you have a right to use your safeword (see safety tip later on), change your mind, or re-negotiate at any time.

Other people are afraid that once they experience stronger sensations, they will want more and more. That might happen, but it's unlikely that trying out a set of nipple clamps will be a one-way ticket to the dungeon and a full-time master/slave relationship.

Let’s Get Going!

So how do you get started exploring BDSM? For many people, the biggest obstacle to introducing BDSM into a sexual relationship is bringing up the subject with a partner. It's scary to express your desires about something that some folks consider "sick" or "perverted." First, congratulate yourself for being in touch with your fantasies. It's hard to even know what we like in this sex-phobic culture. Then, take a deep breath and consider these suggestions:

Talk about it. If you and your partner don't routinely talk about sex, get into the habit. You don't have to blurt out "We need to talk about our sex life!" to get the ball rolling. Using sentences like "I love it when you ________" and "You’re so sexy when you ________" is a great way to start conversations about sex. Find vocabulary that seems right to you. It's guaranteed that the first few sentences of your first conversation will be the hardest, but rest assured—it will get easier.

Make a list. One of our favorite tips for kick-starting conversations about sex is the Yes/No/Maybe list. Together you and your partner write down every dirty, naughty, far-fetched sexual act you've ever heard of, and then each person categorizes these acts under the headings "Yes! I’d love to!", "No! I’d never ever do that!" and "Maybe, if the conditions were right." You may have sexual interests in common that you've never explored! To help do this, see the questionaire of 200 different questions when you set up a profile in the members only area.

What turns you on? Explore what turns you on by reading erotica or watching porn. If you find a BDSM moment that gets you going, share it with a partner. Marking a story in a book or magazine and saying, "I thought this was hot!" can be easier than bringing up the subject independently.

Educate yourself. Check out resources like Whipsmart, a highly recommended video introduction to BDSM for couples, or The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. When Someone You Love is Kinky is a great book to give to a partner who is hesitant or confused by your desires. All of these resources offer reassuring encouragement about exploring BDSM.

Safety first. When partners negotiate, they usually designate a safeword. A safeword allows you to withdraw consent at any time if the action gets too intense. Some common safewords include "red" to mean "stop now" and "yellow" to mean "slow down" or "let's check in with each other.".

Start small. If you want to re-create the ideal BDSM fantasy you’ve been having for years, what do you do if the fantasy involves elaborate costumes, exotic scenery, and multiple actors? Keep it simple. Isolate one part of the fantasy that makes you hot—like a particular power dynamic or a specific action like spanking—and try out that part.

Get all tied up. If you want to restrain your sweetie in a snap, it's worth a small investment in a pair of nice leather cuffs like Kookie Cuffs (or Jane's Bonds for a vegan alternative.) While silk scarves or metal handcuffs are tempting, both can tighten unexpectedly and restrict circulation. If you like the look and feel of rope, search for something soft and sensual at the hardware store. Don't let your lack of a knot-tying merit badge keep you from tying each other up! Make sure that knots aren’t too tight by using the two finger rule. You should be able to slip two fingers comfortably between the rope and your partner’s wrist or ankle. The Erotic Bondage Handbook can give you concrete advice on rope bondage.

Brand spankin' new. Spanking is a great BDSM tool to incorporate into a current sexual relationship. The best way to start is with your hands, so you know exactly how hard you are hitting. Aim your strokes for the fleshy areas of the body that have large muscles to absorb the impact. The butt and thighs are popular choices. Avoid the kidneys, joints, feet and hands. If your hands get tired easily or your sweetie yearns for different sensations, the Star Paddle is an excellent impact toy for beginners.

Clippity clamp. Nipple clamps (also known as nipple clips) are a great way to add stimulation while keeping your hands free for more fun. And they're not just for nipples! You can use clamps anywhere you can pinch an inch of skin. Look for adjustable clamps like Vice Clamps and Tweezer Clamps which allow you to control the amount of pressure exerted. If you're using clamps on someone else, it's good to remember that the most intense moment is when you remove the clamps and blood comes rushing back to the area.

Practice Makes Perfect!

Remember to give yourselves permission to laugh or quit if the perfect dream scene is silly in reality. Check in with your partner the day after you play together to see how things went. Talk about your experiences and incorporate what you learn into your future dates.

Written by KK-KinkyKent Based of an Article by Alicia Guinn
 
How can I be a good slave?

The short answer is by being obedient to your Master as they will describe to you what it is that they want, however many that ask this question often are trying to find things that they can do to improve their chances of attracting the type of Master that they would want for themselves.

If you fall into the latter part of that statement, consider what kind of Master you would like to serve, what their values are and what kinds of things you think they might be looking for in a slave, and further, what ways makes you happiest to serve? An excellent Master will make the best use of the skills you have and also work to improve you in the areas they desire you to service them.

If you're not sure, pretty much learning any trade that is service oriented is a great way to have something to bring to the table when you are negotiating a relationship with potential Master. Consider reviewing some of the Service Oriented Disciplines and Sexual Disciplines depending on which ways make you happiest to serve.
 
I have something I'm having trouble telling my parter, what should I do?

Consider why you might be having this issue. It might be a low self esteem, a desire not to bother your partner with your wants or needs, feeling that your wants or needs are invalid, a feeling of insecurity about the relationship or outcome of the conversation, a fear of intimacy, an overwhelming sense of being timid, or some other thing.

What's important to remember is that there is no way your partner can help you with the thing in question if you can't communicate with them openly and honestly, and further, trust and relationship enrichment is specifically fueled by communication. Without the opportunity to communicate there is little opportunity to grow together with someone. If that is a priority for you then it's important that you learn tools for good communication and study how relationships work so that you can have more opportunities for enrichment.

Remember that while it can be greatly beneficial to communicate openly with your partner, it can be destructive not to communicate certain things, or to let anxiety build to the point where you communicate them in an undesirable fashion.

One great tool to start is to write out your feelings until you run out of steam, then edit them into something concise at a later time and present them to your partner.

The good news is as you learn more about your partner, and communicate more with them in a healthy fashion, the process generally becomes easier and more rewarding with time and your increased communication skills can come to greatly benefit you in other areas of your life as well.

Consider that if you have a series of relationships that have a common theme of communications issues as a central issue contributing to the relationship ending, and having successful adult relationship(s) is a priority for you, that you may need outside help or professional counseling to help you overcome this issue.
 
Why do I feel guilty/terrible sometimes after I play/engage in my kink?

This concept is often referred to as Sub drop or Top drop. Many times appropriate Aftercare can help entirely eliminate or at least mitigate negative effects for many people, however, it is possible you are suffering from a form of paraphilia where in which you feel bad and have emotions that interfere with your life based upon doing the things that you enjoy. If this is affecting your life significantly on a consistent basis, consider seeing a mental health professional for counsel.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top