Hi Cavesquig,
I am so sorry to hear that you are in a rocky place right now. I also hope that this morning finds you without too much of a hangover.
When you suffer a pain of the magnitude you are right now, I don't feel it's a mistake, or a crime, to anaesthetise it in the first instance while it is still so incredibly raw. However, the danger is that you can drift into a lifetime of masking and anaesthetising your pain, and thereby miss out on some amazing opportunities for personal growth.
I too have been through a marriage breakdown, and I empathise with the complex darkness you are currently in. Your post says that you still love your wife, and she claims also to love you too. Perhaps there are genuinely serious issues that need to be worked upon, and once your wife has had some distance, hopefully her perspective will allow you both to communicate about your future.
When and if that happens though, you want to be ready. What do I mean by ready? One truth I hold to completely is this "The only person in the whole wide world you can change is yourself". When I split from my first husband, I was no longer in love with him, so I had no foundation to attempt a reconciliation. But either way I realised that making it all about his failings was not going to help my future at all. So I focussed on myself. I felt inadequate, abject failure, like I had let myself down all accompanied by massive guilt. By staying with those feelings, allowing myself to sit in the darkness of my own self, I was then able to see areas of my own self that really needed work.
This was not an exercise in self-pity or wallowing, rather a candid assessment of choices I had made that had not led to the goal of a happy, stable marriage. Almost 7 years later I am re-married with a toddler, and I am still working on myself. The disaster that was my first marriage was actually the biggest opportunity of my life to be more authentic. The bigger the hurt, the more crushing the pain, the more likely you are to experience true personal growth, as long as you stay with the dark feelings. No more masking. Is masking new to you, or could perhaps an ability to mask your feelings and life experiences actually be a part of the problem here. It's never ever just one person's responsibility.
This is not easy, in fact it may be the most difficult challenge you face. But what a great opportunity to turn your shit into gold. Don't be in a hurry to do this quick, just allow the awareness to surround you, don't make it wrong to feel so awful, honour those feelings for the teacher they will become.
This process has allowed me to have a marriage now that is based on genuine open communication, and an ability to hear from others the impact of my behaviour, which is often completely different from my intent. This way we can become truly authentic, the very best versions of ourselves. Funnily enough, the further down this road I get, I notice significant people in my life making changes to themselves too, just because they now know it can be done.
Good luck with your struggles, be the best parent you can be right now, knowing that as you grow you'll be even more able to give of yourself to your kids.
Love,
swingingstories
ccasion14.......i still love mrs cavesquig very much....even though there are so many lies and so many secrets. she say she loves me, then she leaves me. ..............alcohol is not the answer, but it helps me to forget the question.
