C
chrissie
An occasional series of short articles about what it is that we do and how we do it
Disclaimer: No-one has all the right answers, no-one can tell you the 'one true way' to 'do' bdsm. With that in mind, what follows is my perspective, and is not to be taken as gospel - read what I write, then do your own research and draw your own conclusions.
When people think about bdsm, their minds tend to leap straight to the image of a gorgeous woman, strapped to a cross, scantily clad, with a mysterious man dressed in black smiling evilly and swinging a whip. It's a nice image ... or is it? What distinguishes that picture from one of simple abuse? The simple answer is 'informed consent' - but what does that actually mean? The information and articles that follow are aimed at helping you make informed decisions, and ensuring that if you choose to indulge in this deviant lifestyle of ours, that it will add something to your life, rather than taking it away
So where are the roots of this scene? How do you move from imagining it to achieving it? How can we keep ourselves safe - or as safe as we want to - while we walk the edge?
You've had these thoughts for a while, maybe for as long as you can remember.
Thoughts of being helpless, of being in control, of acting out your fantasy. Finally you've met someone that shares your fantasies. Finally you're going to experience what you've dreamed of, what you've created in your mind over those months and years, in great detail. Finally, and it's all good, and you can't wait anymore ... you agree to meet, you discuss your fantasy, now is the time...your heart is racing, you're wet with anticipation, you offer yourself gladly...and experience something the like of which you've never experienced before.
You've lived your dream...and it was a nightmare.
The sensual flogging you imagined hurt. The gag that looked so alluring in the pics made your jaw ache, and stopped you from letting him know you wanted to stop. When you managed to say 'no more, stop', he smiled, and ignored you and called you his little pain slut. When he fucked your arse and you couldn't get away and it hurt you felt violated. When he put the blindfold on you and told you he had friends coming over that wanted to play with you too, you thought you would die of fear.
This scenario is rare, but not as rare as it should be, and it could be you.
Nothing we do in bdsm is truly safe, or sane - if it were, we probably wouldn't want to do it. But it should at least be consensual. And the only way to ensure that is to take your time, to negotiate, to set up a safe-call system, to know yourself and your own limits and be strong enough to insist that those limits are honoured, to have and to be able to use a safe-word when you need to, to have faith that the person you're playing with can provide the after-care you will need - to not leave your brains at the front door with your clothes.
I'm sure you'd prefer to be reading about how to swing a flogger, or how to 'do' needleplay, or bondage. I hate to be the one to tell you, but those skills are the easiest part of what we do, and the most meaningless in many ways. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger - the skill is in knowing when not to.
So let's go back to our original scenario, and add in the bits that were left out, the bits that will help to make your experience what you dreamed it would be.
Safe-calls:
Safe-calls are a well-established protocol in bdsm circles, and one we'd like to see people outside the scene using as well. A safe-call is simply letting someone know where you'r going, who you're meeting, how long you'll be - and having a back-up plan for if things go pear-shaped.
If I'm going to meet someone new, even for coffee in a public place - which is where all first meetings should ideally take place - I'll let my safe-call person know the details. I make sure I have my mobile with me, and charged up, and switched on. I will make a commitment to call my safe-call person at a pre-arranged time to let them know I'm ok. If I don't make that call, then they call me, and through pre-arranged phrases I will let them know if I'm in trouble.
If I am in trouble, then from there there are a couple of common options - the first being that the safe-call person comes to wherever I am and 'extracts' me from the situation. If that isn't an option, they call the police on my behalf. It's important for your safe-call person to be willing to identify themselves to the police, and to be willing to actually attend the scene if the
meet is in a private residence, because if they aren't willing to do that then it will be assigned a lower response priority. If they are willing to do those things, then it will receive a level two response (level one is homicide or police in jeopardy). You should call the main responce centre rather than your local police station, as sometimes they may take it upon themselves to ignore established protocol.
It's important to follow this procedure even if you've met the person before - it takes no time to set up, and there are plenty of stories around about people who've played three or four times with the same person before they've snapped and things have gone wrong.
It's also something that both people should do. Just because you've been chatting to someone online and they sound nice doesn't mean they aren't an ax-murderer in disguise. Men are not immune to being setup and raped, even tho they might like to think they are. It's far better to set up what you think is an unnecessary precaution than it is to end up in court on an assault charge, or in hospital. And predators are clever, and they are everywhere, and they come in all shapes, sizes and sexes - don't become a victim.
An unwritten rule in bdsm is 'don't play on the first date'. In other words, don't meet someone for coffee and get so caught up in realising your fantasy that you head off with them there and then. Any reputable bdsm'er will accept the the first meet is just that - a meet, not a play-date. Set a date for another meet if you're so inclined, but go away first and think about it.
Next: Negotiations
Disclaimer: No-one has all the right answers, no-one can tell you the 'one true way' to 'do' bdsm. With that in mind, what follows is my perspective, and is not to be taken as gospel - read what I write, then do your own research and draw your own conclusions.
When people think about bdsm, their minds tend to leap straight to the image of a gorgeous woman, strapped to a cross, scantily clad, with a mysterious man dressed in black smiling evilly and swinging a whip. It's a nice image ... or is it? What distinguishes that picture from one of simple abuse? The simple answer is 'informed consent' - but what does that actually mean? The information and articles that follow are aimed at helping you make informed decisions, and ensuring that if you choose to indulge in this deviant lifestyle of ours, that it will add something to your life, rather than taking it away
So where are the roots of this scene? How do you move from imagining it to achieving it? How can we keep ourselves safe - or as safe as we want to - while we walk the edge?
You've had these thoughts for a while, maybe for as long as you can remember.
Thoughts of being helpless, of being in control, of acting out your fantasy. Finally you've met someone that shares your fantasies. Finally you're going to experience what you've dreamed of, what you've created in your mind over those months and years, in great detail. Finally, and it's all good, and you can't wait anymore ... you agree to meet, you discuss your fantasy, now is the time...your heart is racing, you're wet with anticipation, you offer yourself gladly...and experience something the like of which you've never experienced before.
You've lived your dream...and it was a nightmare.
The sensual flogging you imagined hurt. The gag that looked so alluring in the pics made your jaw ache, and stopped you from letting him know you wanted to stop. When you managed to say 'no more, stop', he smiled, and ignored you and called you his little pain slut. When he fucked your arse and you couldn't get away and it hurt you felt violated. When he put the blindfold on you and told you he had friends coming over that wanted to play with you too, you thought you would die of fear.
This scenario is rare, but not as rare as it should be, and it could be you.
Nothing we do in bdsm is truly safe, or sane - if it were, we probably wouldn't want to do it. But it should at least be consensual. And the only way to ensure that is to take your time, to negotiate, to set up a safe-call system, to know yourself and your own limits and be strong enough to insist that those limits are honoured, to have and to be able to use a safe-word when you need to, to have faith that the person you're playing with can provide the after-care you will need - to not leave your brains at the front door with your clothes.
I'm sure you'd prefer to be reading about how to swing a flogger, or how to 'do' needleplay, or bondage. I hate to be the one to tell you, but those skills are the easiest part of what we do, and the most meaningless in many ways. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger - the skill is in knowing when not to.
So let's go back to our original scenario, and add in the bits that were left out, the bits that will help to make your experience what you dreamed it would be.
Safe-calls:
Safe-calls are a well-established protocol in bdsm circles, and one we'd like to see people outside the scene using as well. A safe-call is simply letting someone know where you'r going, who you're meeting, how long you'll be - and having a back-up plan for if things go pear-shaped.
If I'm going to meet someone new, even for coffee in a public place - which is where all first meetings should ideally take place - I'll let my safe-call person know the details. I make sure I have my mobile with me, and charged up, and switched on. I will make a commitment to call my safe-call person at a pre-arranged time to let them know I'm ok. If I don't make that call, then they call me, and through pre-arranged phrases I will let them know if I'm in trouble.
If I am in trouble, then from there there are a couple of common options - the first being that the safe-call person comes to wherever I am and 'extracts' me from the situation. If that isn't an option, they call the police on my behalf. It's important for your safe-call person to be willing to identify themselves to the police, and to be willing to actually attend the scene if the
meet is in a private residence, because if they aren't willing to do that then it will be assigned a lower response priority. If they are willing to do those things, then it will receive a level two response (level one is homicide or police in jeopardy). You should call the main responce centre rather than your local police station, as sometimes they may take it upon themselves to ignore established protocol.
It's important to follow this procedure even if you've met the person before - it takes no time to set up, and there are plenty of stories around about people who've played three or four times with the same person before they've snapped and things have gone wrong.
It's also something that both people should do. Just because you've been chatting to someone online and they sound nice doesn't mean they aren't an ax-murderer in disguise. Men are not immune to being setup and raped, even tho they might like to think they are
. It's far better to set up what you think is an unnecessary precaution than it is to end up in court on an assault charge, or in hospital. And predators are clever, and they are everywhere, and they come in all shapes, sizes and sexes - don't become a victim.An unwritten rule in bdsm is 'don't play on the first date'. In other words, don't meet someone for coffee and get so caught up in realising your fantasy that you head off with them there and then. Any reputable bdsm'er will accept the the first meet is just that - a meet, not a play-date. Set a date for another meet if you're so inclined, but go away first and think about it.
Next: Negotiations