• Langtrees.com will start paid advertising on the 12th April this year. (my mothers birthday) Wallet balances will still remain if logged in the last month. Advertisers that have not logged in wallets will be reduced to zero.

Joke of the day

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
15
And the kid still wonders how a single mom that stays home all day affords to live in Point Piper....... ;) Kid gets asked all the time at the local school, what does your mum do? shes a stay at home business lady really sounds awesome yes it does, but she always says "MYOB"
Oh come on Phoebe
All mum's say MYOB Make Your Own Bed I'm sure
 

XLNC

Whatever happened to FREE love?
Legend Member
Points
0
Come off it, he's not that humorous. :rolleyes:

Or is your giggling all part of the flirting? Wannabe wife wants a farmer perhaps? Hmm? ;)
 

Phoebe

Some Village lost an Idiot!
Legend Member
Points
0
An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"


If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
Two Kiwis, Brian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Brian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Brian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No wurries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Brian says, 'I'll take fifty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers at $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well.... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says,

.

.

.

'This is a dry cleaners'.
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend. Things
started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to
develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but
she said it would all come out in the wash.
The Black & White photo process summarized...
why, what were you thinking?
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
Three wedding photographers have all been booked to cover the same wedding, a traditional
photographer a contemporary photographer and a documentary style photographer.

Just before the brides arrival the best man falls to the floor as if he has died. The traditional photographer gives mouth to mouth straight away while the contemporary photographer gives him a heart massage.

As the bride arrives the best man is still on the floor and she asks the traditional photographer "what did you give him?" and he replies "mouth to mouth".

She asks the the contemporary photographer the same question and he replies "a heart massage".

She then turns to the documentary photographer and asks "what did you give him" and he pauses before answering "1/125th at f/8, flash fill!" !

Until the next exposure...
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
I worked in a pub many years ago. I was pulling beers in the public bar one afternoon when some Kiwis walked in.

"Yes, mate."

"Sex tins, please."

I'd met New Zealanders before, so that didn't throw me for a moment. I pointed and said "Round the bottle shop, mate".

"I want sex tins."

"Half a dozen cans, no worries. We don't have them here, but there are plenty in the bottle shop. Out to your right."

He didn't seem very bright. "I just want sex tins." (sigh)

"This is the public bar. We've only got draft beer here. You need to go out the door you came in, round to your right, and see Barnie in the bottle shop. He will fix you up with tins no worries."

"No, sex tin-ounce glasses".

Ahh! Now I get it
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
A photographer goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, "You are a beautiful woman, would you like to sit for me at my studio?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and quietly says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which the photographer responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
There were these two sisters Luella and Rose. They were going
to get a picture taken of themselves as they were getting there passports.
They go to the studio and after the photographer fools with the
camera he tells Rose to sit quietly because he had to focus.
Well, Luella being out of hearing says, "Huh?"
Rose says, "Be still girl he's gonna focus!"
Luella looks and says, "Both of us?"
 

AndyRew00

Hercules
Diamond Member
Points
0
2016-06-13-Marco-Polo.jpg

Mmmm Rabbit​
 

Lord Spikey

I... AM... SPIKEY
Legend Member
Points
4
Prudence and Prunella Pringle shared a house with their brother Percy Pringle.

Percy Pringle rose very early each morning and was in the habit of leaving his bedroom naked, as he collected his copy of Sporting Globe from the front door mat and taking it with him into the bathroom to read while “doing God’s work”, returning to his room well before Prudence and Prunella Pringle were awake.

On this particular morning, Percy Pringle awoke a little late. Collecting his paper he proceeded to the bathroom, unaware that Prudence and Prunella Pringle were starting to stir.

Well by the time Percy Pringle had completed his ablutions, Prudence and Prunella Pringle were on their way to the bathroom for their morning ritual.

The bathroom door opened to reveal Percy Pringle in all his naked glory just as Prudence and Prunella Pringle were walking up the passage. In a panic, Percy Pringle used his paper to cover his embarrassment and high tailed it along the passage to his room.

Prudence and Prunella Pringle, although shocked, continued to the bathroom, where Prunella Pringle moved straight to the shower and Prudence Pringle took her position on the throne.

After a minute, Prunella Pringle asked “Prudence, did you peruse Percy Pringle’s penis as it poked out between the pages of the pink paper, as we passed him in the passage this morning? To which there was no reply.

Again, Prunella asked “Prudence, did you peruse Percy Pringle’s penis as it poked out between the pages of the pink paper, as we passed him in the passage this morning? Still no reply.

Prunella was getting annoyed and raised her voice “Prudence, did you peruse Percy Pringle’s penis as it poked out between the pages of the pink paper, as we passed him in the passage this morning?

Suddenly, Prudence speaks up “Prunella Pringle, will you shut up? Every time you ask me if I perused Percy Pringle’s penis as it poked out between the pages of the pink paper, as we passed him in the passage this morning, my pussy puckers and I can’t pee”.

Note: The Sporting Globe was a Melbourne sports newspaper printed on pink paper.
 

westy

Mouse chasing Pussy
Diamond Member
Points
0
Been a while Lordy Spikey? Your a "once a month" kinda guy these days?
 

Lord Spikey

I... AM... SPIKEY
Legend Member
Points
4
Been a while Lordy Spikey? Your a "once a month" kinda guy these days?
Hi Westy
I spend most of my time on the other forum. A safer environment.
I come here to catch up and contribute where I can, but very, very carefully.
 

Alfred

Diamond Member
Points
7
Re the Sporting Globe and Spikey's joke.

Thanks for the joke and 'nihil bastardum carborundum' with respect to your critics. They're just jealous. I googled the SG and was surprised to find that it limped along until 1996. I can remember reading it occasionally, but long before then. It mainly appealed to a different type of punter than we get in these pages.
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
Jane Fonda was taking an exercise class in Wigan Lancashire.

Jane: ok ladies hands on thighs.

She was puzzled to see all the women standing with their hands over their eyes.

{think about it}
 

Phoebe

Some Village lost an Idiot!
Legend Member
Points
0
What do women and hand grenades have in common?

When you pull the ring off, your house goes away.
 

Joe Ozzie

Legend Member
Points
853
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
 
Top