Another Joke,

[Winter W.]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead were sitting at a bar after making the decision to kill themselves.
the brunette starts crying and says well i may as well go first. she goes across the street to the high rise climbs the stairs to the 10th floor and throws herself off. takes the council a day to scrape her body of the pavement

The redhead goes next, goes to the same building and goes up to the 20th floor and throws herself out the window.
takes the council 3 days to scrape her body of the pavement.

well not to be outdone the blonde goes and climbs to the roof of the same building and jumps..... she lands on a flag pole takes the council a month to wipe the smile off her face!

sorry if anyone blonde is offended. kiss kiss

 

[Nomansland]

Usually isn't a good joke unless it offends someone.

*An American, A Frenchman, And a Mexican are sitting in a train car together, The Mexican is eating a taco, Stops, And throws it out the window;The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Mexican responds, "We have so many in my country, I just wanted to." So the Frenchman takes a croissant and throws it out the window, Saying, "We have too many of these." He then turns to the American and asks, "What do you have too many of in your country?" The American then throws the Mexican out the window.

 

[Nomansland]

 

[Winter W.]

One fine Saturday afternoon the Arch Bishop of the Catholic Church in Sydney gets an urgent missive from the Vatican.He opens the letter and reads it gets to the bottom and sees its been written by the pope himself.
He has to go to Rome immediately and has no idea who is going to take over confession every afternoon.
As he is pondering his predicament the cleaner Guiseppe passes by.
Oh just the man i am looking for, i need to go to Rome by order of the Pope I need you to take confession whilst iu am away.
Well Guiseppe is freaking out, and say, Father, i am just a cleaner, i wouldn't know the first thing about taking confession.
Don't worry says the bishop, i will write down all the sins and the penance given for each and tape it inside the booth.

The next afternoon comes around and confession starts. The first sinner sits down and says 'bless me father for i have sinned' What is you confession my child, g replies.
I've had Sexual thoughts about the neighbors wife father.
G looks at the list finds the sin looks next to it for the penance and says say 5 hail Mary's and 5 our fathers and you are forgiven.
yes father thank you for hearing my confession, the next one enters sits down and says... Bless me father for i have sinned.
What is your confession my child?
I had sex with the neighbors wife.
g consults the list finds the sin and says 'Sat 10 hail Mary's and 10 our fathers and your forgiven.
Thank you father
Then the 3rd sinner takes his place and says, Bless me father for i have sinned.
What is your confession?
I had anal sex yesterday. Guiseppe looks and looks but its not listed anywhere. He panics but then sees one of the alter boys standing near by and calls him over quietly and asks, son, what does the father give for anal sex?
and the boy replies... $2.50 and a mars bar.

 

[Nomansland]

A man goes to optometrist to have his eyes checked.
The optometrist looks at the results and says
I am sorry to tell you that you have Christian Bros Disease
What that mean asks the man
Your pupils are fucked says the optometrist.

 

[figjam]

JEWISH DIVORCE

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jack."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece
When it used to be the size of a 10 cent."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a $150,000 Ferrari,
You get $ 5,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 40 cents ????

NOW, THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!!!

 

[figjam]

Expensive Christmas dinner

Four brothers left home for University, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to the Gold Coast.

"You know I had a big house built for Mum, don’t you?" The first asked.

The second said, “And I had a large theatre built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well? Well, I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it in King James Version or Revised Standard Version."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mum sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Steven, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway"

"Matt, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good Thanks."

"Anthony, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest David, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. Thank you so much. The chook was delicious!"

LOVE, MUM.