Hi all

[Jamie77]

Hi all

and thank you to the people who have built this forum and also to everyone who have and do offer help and advice on what society in general still have a phobic view on,

My story is really no different from most people's, from the age of around 6-7 my first experience with identifying my gender started around that time,

I lived next door to two girls around the same age as myself, and we were playing in there cubby house, I noticed that both girls were wearing dresses and tights and for some reason from nowhere really I asked them if we could swap clothes,

Of course they laughed and thought I was joking, and so I just went along with it as a joke, but deep down I knew even at such a young age that although I was feeling sexually aroused at the time (even at that age) that something inside of me was changed or discovered to put it in a better way,

My next in counter was a year or so later when I secretly managed to watch a copy of Shocking Asia, on yes it was on Beta, (which I still think to this day was always better then VHS)
When I saw the Sex Change part of the movie my already vivid and crazy imagination was fueled even more and to know at even at that early stage in my life that boys (men) could change into girls (women or Ladies)

This left a massive imprint in my mind, as my sexual identity from that point onwards had set me up for what would eventually lead to living a double and confused life.

A the age of around 8 years old, my younger sister who was 2 years younger than me, I asked her if we could swap our gender,
I had this sort of magical thinking that if we just lay on the bed naked and our genitals touched that somehow we would be able to swap.
as I started to lay down on top of her I suddenly realized that what I was doing was wrong,
Our genitals never made contact, and I certainly didn't have an erection,
I felt so shameful for what I had just done, and it wasn't until around the age of 25 or there abouts I had the courage to talk to my sister about that incident
I was so scared that I may of mentally scarred her from that experience, but to my supprise she just laughed about it all,

Later while as an out patient at the local mental health services I told my case managed about this, I couldn't live with this horrible feeling of guilt, and shame, It had been with me from the moment it happened right throughout my entire teenage life, always just at the back of my mind,
I also came clean to my parents about it, and they knowing everything that I had been through after coming clean about my cross dressing and struggle with my gender identity were very understanding,

But going back to my teenage years, Primary school wasn't really much of a problem for me, in fact it was probably the best time of my life, especially the later years,

As I mentioned before that my imagination was quite vivid, and I was always doing something artistic, from drawing cartoons,writing silly stories to art class and building things to playing guitar, and also sports

But when I started high school, and started going through puberty my sexuality really started becoming confusing,
On the one hand I would try to act like a regular teenager would,
I started playing Aussie Rules Football, Weight lifting, getting up to all sorts of rebelious behavior in and out of school,
But something had changed from that first day at High school, all of a sudden I found it increasing difficult to talk to girls,
and when it can to girls I thought I was in love with, I had such bad anxiety due to my fears of my gender identity issues and also the incident with my younger sister many many years earlier,

there was on girl who I admired above all the others, but apart from a few very rare occasions I built up enough courage to actually have a quick chat to her,
She meant the world to me, and I still remember what she said on the Bus back home from school one afternoon, quote " Lust is stronger than love" and I knew deep down that if she ever really knew about my gender issues that she would of hated me,

At a party one night around 1994, A heap of people from school turned up and the girl I liked was there, I had already had a monotail cocktail of booze which my best mate at the time had swiped from his parents alcohol selection,

and at the party the girl I liked kissed me twice in front of everyone,
even thou I was pretty well pissed out of my brains I still remember it like it was just yesterday, then at the end of the party my mate and I along with the girl I liked and a few of her friends decided we would all walk back home on the other side of town,

At one stage she let me put my arm around her and walk her part of the way home, and it was at that moment that for the first time in my entire life I felt like all my problems, my fears and dreams had come all at once,

It was pure magic, and I've never felt that way since, and that was over 16 years ago,

I did manage to finally manage to find another girl who became my girl friend, and although it didn't last very long, mainly due to two reasons 1. she went religious and told a priest everything about our sexual life together and 2nd I wasn't really in love with her but I didn't want to tell her this, I mean I loved the fact that I was in a relationship, and I wish I could of looked her in the eye and told her I didn't find her attractive, as my heart was still yearning for the girl I loved or lusted for at high school, which by then it was about 6-7 years later,

anyway I broke off the relationship, I felt like my heart was being torn in two, I told her about my crossdressing and she was cool with it as she admitted she was bi anyway,

around the time of 2000/01 I finally couldn't handle my cross dressing from my parents, in November 1995 I moved out of home but by the end of 1999 I couldn't afford to live on my own and my best mate whom I had been sharin a house with moved in with my sister who had recently left home herself,

So in December 1999 I moved back home,
I wrote a letter to my parents and tried to explain everything about my cross dressing, I told them that I will totally understand if they never want to have anything to do with me, and I would leave home if they wanted me to.
But I should of never underestimated my parents, as they were and still have been extremely supportive, I owe them my life, they mean the world to me, and more,
without them along with my other brother and sisters I really don't think I would be here today,

to cut another long story short, for the first time in my life I managed to find enough work for the entire year of 2004,
However in 2001 and 2003 two very special people in my life pasted away, one of my grandmothers and a dear family friend whom I'd known all my life and was like a grandfather and best friend, as both of my real grandfathers lived in the UK, my fathers dad died in 1987 and my mums dad also in the UK died in 1998/99. I never really had any contact with either of them, but thats the way life goes.

By early 2005 everything that had been bothering me over the years and also with my eldest brother whom I didn't know until after I had confessed to my parents about my cross dressng, came out to the family and told them he was gay, later after seeing a few gp's and shrinks he was diagnosed as being Transgendered, something he had confessed to me many years before but I had never seen him dressed up,

knowing full well what it was like to be in this situtation, I tried to be as supportive as I could, but at the same time I somehow felt robbed that maybe he only said this because he was jealous of me, (which later was admitted not about the gender thing but being jealous)
so in early 2001/2 he became my new sister,

it was hard for the family, and I tried to be supportive but it was hard.
I suppose the social stigma that society would place on the family is what worried me the most,

and now more than ever my own personal battle with my own gender became even more confusing, I saw what my older brother (now sister) 's decision actions took a toll on the family, and I certainly didn't want to inflict anymore pain on anyone, so again after coming out I went back in the closet,

getting back to 2005, After working for nearly the entire year in 2004, I managed to save up a bit of money, and also after my tax return I decided that I couldn't hold back my cross dressing desires anymore, so I went on massive spending spree on ebay,

I spent well over $1000 Aus on all sorts of clothing, from normal respectable clothing to really sluttly sort of stuff,

My body due to weight lifting I had done during my teenage years was quite solid and still is, and knowing this and also with my deep voice I knew I would never pass in public,

so I kept it all hidden, I waited for everyone to go out before I would dress up,
But this secret life which I had told my parents was over a few year before was starting to really take a grip on my life,

I started smoking weed after being put on anti-depressants and Zyprexa after I told my old GP that I had being cross dressing for years and I was in two minds as to whether I wanted to start to transison,
my doctor suggested I talk to a councellor, and with nothing to loose I decided to do so,

I had always from around my early teens been afraid to be around children because the fear of my cross dressing had it ever came out in public somehow made me come to so conclusion that if I ever had anything to do with kids that I would be labelled as some sort of perverted pedophile, and this stupid way of thinking scared the hell out of me for years,

I felt that after all the stuff I had seen on televison about profiling people that my gender identity problem would make me seem like a weirdo,
and this sort of paranoid thinking, lead to even more frustrations,

After smoking weed and being on the anti physcotic and depressants my mind started going really crazy, sure the weed fueled my imagination way beyond my wildest dreams and when I dressed up and smoked it then looked in the mirror I could see myself how I had always secretly dreamed of being,
then the doctors,shrinks changed my medications,
I had gained 40 kgs in weight over a 4 1/2 year period,
I was an out patient at the local mental health services for 14 months, and even after my parents saved up enough money to take me with them around the world for a 10 week hoilday in 2006, by this time I was on benzo's for anxiety and a heap of other meds,
I was a walking zombie, and didn't really get a chance to fully enjoy my trip,

In August 2008 I quit smoking weed, from 3-4 times a week, but then from that time I have only smoked it on 3 occassions since,
however during my break down I started smoking ciggys, which I still do today,

I have been labeled with so many different conditions and put on so many medications that its only been recently just over the past 6 months that I've managed to ween myself off nearly every pysch med, the only ones I take now are the lowest dosage of seroquel, and I only take this to help me sleep, and xanax for my anxiety,

the medications suppressed my gender issues from 2006 up until the last month since coming off these drugs,

I even had lap banding due to all the weight I had gained, which didn't work, and now another benifit from coming off the meds is that my weight is going down, even after having all the fluid taken out,
after my last fill I couldn't eat during the day, and when I tried to eat dinner I would end up throwing it all up.

The one thing that smoking weed did for me was to explore myself in a way that no other legal medication could ever do,
even meditation although finding complete peace and feeling a sense of escaping from my body or a floating feeling which I did manage to reach didn't allow me to explore the best and worst part of my mind,

Its difficult to explain, but what I do have now is a free mind, only constrained by my emotional feelings I have towards the people I love the most in this world,
and although there is a lot more to my life than what I have explained here, what I haven't mentioned isn't really important,

My former brother now sister and her former partner who also is M+F is now my best friend, She is a wonderful woman, who I admire and respect more than any other of my friends that I've ever had,
Not just because she has been through the entire process but because she is a open, honest loving and caring person.
at first I was scared to have anything to do with her, but that was just some sort of homophobic (I know thats not the right term to use but I think you may know what I mean) fear I had, it was ignorance on my part, due to the public perception that had been brainwashed into me by the media and society in general, Although I never insulted her or tried to make her feel unwelcome,

Its funny how over time and with learning to accept people for who they are on the inside and not what they look like on the outside changes peoples views and opinions, well for me anyway.

I've been a hypocrite in the past, I've been racists, I've been homophobic, but never intentionally gone out of my way to harm these people,
I did however make a racist comment to a former Aboriginal Australian Rules Footballer, and he looked in straight in the eyes, this was when I was around 14/15 years old,
for years after I made that remark I felt so guilty that I contacted a major newspaper in Melbourne in an attempt to apologize for my comments,
I received an email from a sports reporter about my apology, and he wanted to write up an artical about it.
He even arranged a photographer to take a few photo's of me, But the editor decided that it wouldn't be a good Idea, and I suppose looking back it was a good Idea, as the repercusions for myself and my family would of been embarrassing to say the least,
However I did manage to contact the former player via phone and I apologized to him personality, and to my suprise he was cool with it.

and even told me if I ever needed to talk to him again that he was always available to talk,

and it wasn't because of Kevin Rudd's apology that lead me to this, it was from years of guilt and shame and also because he deserved it (the apology that is not the racist comment). I had no right to insult this man because of his race, or colour, just as I have no right to insult people for their sexual orientation, as I would be a hypocrite to do so.


geez I've typed up so much here, sorry if its been a bit difficult to read, I tend to jump from on topic to another without intention but then again gender identity isn't something that can be explained like most things in life, as there are so many reasons and experiences that go along with this journey through life.

I still have many questions to ask myself, in no way am I 100% certain of what or who or where I want to go from here,
I just hope that maybe this site will help me to learn more about myself. also I'm seriously considering making an appointment at Prahran market clinic in Melbourne to see someone who specializes in gender identity, but in the mean time I think it may be a good idea to read other people's stories and advice, and for that I would like to thank everyone here for sharing your views and journey's

If I can offer any advice from my own personal experience I would recommend if you wish to seek help from a professional medical doctor find one that specializes in this field,
don't do what I did and get put on the drug roller coaster, its a terrible and unproductive way of trying to sort this complex and life changing journey,

and try as I'm doing now and have done for as long as I can remember to find out as much truth from other people's personal experiences regarding this issue.

I believe there is hope and help for everyone, at least here in OZ.
thanks to many great people, who have helped break down the barriers and shed the light on a subject or issue that for way too long has been viewed as some sort of sick and perverted way of life.

thank you all for reading this
I hope even if just one person finds this ongoing journey of mine to be helpful than maybe they will save themselves the pain and mental strain that i've gone through,
if not well I just hope you enjoyed reading this post all the same

cheers
Jamie77